jennjenn
Oct 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Viet Cong soldiers" - stanford- intellectually engaging... help on editing! [3]
hey everyone,
okay so a few information about me. in my high school, i'm used to writing with descriptive language in my essays. however the college application essays come with characters limit and tough prompts so my first try may sound bland or an overkill. anyway, feel free to to be a tough critic!
and thanks in advance!!
prompt #1: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
my essay:
I close my eyes and simply thought that I will get out of this gloomy place soon. Already, I was feeling tired and sweaty. The burning pain in my knees strengthened within each step. My hands were screaming in agony as I rummage my way along the sharp rocks. Dust filled the air, threatening to suffocate me. Ahead was just plain black. A small light flickered yet my consciousness could not detect it. Soon, a huge meaty hand reached out of the darkness and swiftly lifted me out from below. Blinking at the incandescent light, I looked up to the man who had brought the end to my misery. I was never able to ascertain how long I was underground. A mere ten minutes, yet it felt an eternity before I could expect daylight. Within a moment, my knees gave way and I was on the ground. Slowly, I drifted away from the living.
I opened my eyes and here I am. Staring at the computer screen, my fingers were itching to continue on typing. I sighed, relax into my chair and simply recount my experience. In retrospective, my journey through the Cu Chi tunnel, one of the famous underground passageways, was nerve racking. I was young when my parents bought me there so I couldn't understand why the Viet Cong soldiers would make their homes deep into the Earth. But now I do, because somehow my situation is similar to theirs. They fought for their homeland while they had flimsy weapons as I am fighting for my education while I have profound hearing loss. Despite their disadvantage, the Viet Cong soldiers kept their determination. In simple words, this experience taught me of what kind of attitude I should have when fighting for my future; putting my heart and soul into the battle that awaits me in college.
hey everyone,
okay so a few information about me. in my high school, i'm used to writing with descriptive language in my essays. however the college application essays come with characters limit and tough prompts so my first try may sound bland or an overkill. anyway, feel free to to be a tough critic!
and thanks in advance!!
prompt #1: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
my essay:
I close my eyes and simply thought that I will get out of this gloomy place soon. Already, I was feeling tired and sweaty. The burning pain in my knees strengthened within each step. My hands were screaming in agony as I rummage my way along the sharp rocks. Dust filled the air, threatening to suffocate me. Ahead was just plain black. A small light flickered yet my consciousness could not detect it. Soon, a huge meaty hand reached out of the darkness and swiftly lifted me out from below. Blinking at the incandescent light, I looked up to the man who had brought the end to my misery. I was never able to ascertain how long I was underground. A mere ten minutes, yet it felt an eternity before I could expect daylight. Within a moment, my knees gave way and I was on the ground. Slowly, I drifted away from the living.
I opened my eyes and here I am. Staring at the computer screen, my fingers were itching to continue on typing. I sighed, relax into my chair and simply recount my experience. In retrospective, my journey through the Cu Chi tunnel, one of the famous underground passageways, was nerve racking. I was young when my parents bought me there so I couldn't understand why the Viet Cong soldiers would make their homes deep into the Earth. But now I do, because somehow my situation is similar to theirs. They fought for their homeland while they had flimsy weapons as I am fighting for my education while I have profound hearing loss. Despite their disadvantage, the Viet Cong soldiers kept their determination. In simple words, this experience taught me of what kind of attitude I should have when fighting for my future; putting my heart and soul into the battle that awaits me in college.
