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Posts by pfm
Joined: Dec 30, 2010
Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
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Posts: 2  
From: United States of America

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pfm   
Dec 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / Perceptions of Muslims/Arabs [8]

You asked me to judge your essay's effectiveness. Why would I judge the truth of your perceptions? That's irrelevant. I was under the impression that, this being an essay forum, you wanted feedback on your writing rather than to engage in ideological argument.

If you read my comment you'll see that I did point out a few examples of how you appear ignorant and judgmental.
And yes. I never said those were the same place.
Overall, if you have a point to make in this essay, you should make it more clear because the paragraphs all seem rather disconnected.
pfm   
Dec 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / Perceptions of Muslims/Arabs [8]

Overall, this is just a string of disconnected paragraphs on different topics. It would help if you had an introductory paragraph with a thesis statement that clearly stated what you want to prove in this essay. You also don't make clear where or what culture you come from, which you should do at the beginning. I would say that this essay is extremely ineffective because you seem to present yourself merely as a highly judgmental, ignorant person. Many of your recounted stories of your travels seem really pointless, like when you talk about the man who wore your jacket and the man at the temple who wanted you to read from the Koran. This, in addition to your comments such as "I was not refused at the Christian sites" and "All Muslims benefited [from the 9/11 attacks]" presents you as biased and unconvincing.
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