azurerush
Jan 8, 2011
Undergraduate / On the recent North Korea crisis - SFS global issue essay [4]
I live in South Korea. So your essay interested me among other SFS essays.
I believe you have a good understanding of the current situation of North Korea, but there are some ideas that are being over-generalized in your essay. Also, some of them are not well-developed. Everything you say in your essay should be proven and explained.
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On November 23, North Korea fired artillery toward the Yeonpyeong Island, the border between North and South Korea. This declaration aroused global attention(what attention? did these government give any initiatives? , especially from the Chinese, American, Japanese and Taiwanese governments. The reason for this military action remains unknown, but the whole world understands (generalized idea) that with one mistaken strategy, the world-wide consequences-the possibility of a nuclear war-would be unbearable. So, why start this military action? Did North Korea gain any political advantages? Or did the North Korean government, by
any chance, make a mistake that would soon backfire? asking these types of questions, rather than making the readers curious, makes them irritated (especially the readers are admission officers who have to read tons of essays) So bring out your argument first.
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There are a lot more undeveloped ideas in the body, but I skipped them(I have to write my own SFS essay) you can seek for yourself if you keep asking yourself whether the sentences you wrote are from thorough research and thingking process or from arbitrary conception to fill out the space of your essay.
And your conclusion:
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The influence this incident brings could be momentous, especially in East Asia. Take my own country, Taiwan, for instance: during the Second World War, the Taiwan Strait was one of the most important military bases, and the region remains strategically important. Taiwan, because of its political position and status, would without doubt be pulled into this political turmoil (what does Taiwan being strategically important have to do with North Korea's recent attack? I do not understand. You need to explain the relationship . The Chinese government will likely become the strongest nation in the world, (how do you know this?) due to its power to control amid this situation. On a wider international scale, the global economy would fluctuate and innocent citizens around the world would be injured or killed.(this sentence is neither proven nor explained)
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Good luck with your application.
I live in South Korea. So your essay interested me among other SFS essays.
I believe you have a good understanding of the current situation of North Korea, but there are some ideas that are being over-generalized in your essay. Also, some of them are not well-developed. Everything you say in your essay should be proven and explained.
---------
On November 23, North Korea fired artillery toward the Yeonpyeong Island, the border between North and South Korea. This declaration aroused global attention(what attention? did these government give any initiatives? , especially from the Chinese, American, Japanese and Taiwanese governments. The reason for this military action remains unknown, but the whole world understands (generalized idea) that with one mistaken strategy, the world-wide consequences-the possibility of a nuclear war-would be unbearable. So, why start this military action? Did North Korea gain any political advantages? Or did the North Korean government, by
any chance, make a mistake that would soon backfire? asking these types of questions, rather than making the readers curious, makes them irritated (especially the readers are admission officers who have to read tons of essays) So bring out your argument first.
---------
There are a lot more undeveloped ideas in the body, but I skipped them(I have to write my own SFS essay) you can seek for yourself if you keep asking yourself whether the sentences you wrote are from thorough research and thingking process or from arbitrary conception to fill out the space of your essay.
And your conclusion:
-------
The influence this incident brings could be momentous, especially in East Asia. Take my own country, Taiwan, for instance: during the Second World War, the Taiwan Strait was one of the most important military bases, and the region remains strategically important. Taiwan, because of its political position and status, would without doubt be pulled into this political turmoil (what does Taiwan being strategically important have to do with North Korea's recent attack? I do not understand. You need to explain the relationship . The Chinese government will likely become the strongest nation in the world, (how do you know this?) due to its power to control amid this situation. On a wider international scale, the global economy would fluctuate and innocent citizens around the world would be injured or killed.(this sentence is neither proven nor explained)
-------
Good luck with your application.
