k0898
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / Brandeis - Raised by dinosaurs, Robots, or Aliens! [3]
(a) I want to be able to wake up in the morning and instead of rushing off to school,I can do something else, whether it be invent something or conduct all kinds of experiments, or fly around in a huge, complex space shuttle!
--All of those are really vague. You may want to rephrase to say something such as: "Rather than the monotony of my current life, I want to live in the exciting world of aliens. Their supierior technology would allow my daily activities to include experimentation, scientific discover and operating huge space shuttles!"
(b) "Aliens are the independent and have a complex mind of their own."
--"the independent" makes no sense. Also the pronouns make it seem as though they have a collective mind.
(c)"Aliens have also been able to advance themselves personally, unlike robots who are advanced by humans, and dinosaurs who died out"
--Change. Possibly: "Aliens are advanced creatures whose powerful minds have let them achieved wonders as a civilization. Robots are just machines, and the dinosaurs are just beasts"
(d) "There are hundreds of people who are against aliens, and are doing everything to stop them, yet they continue to advance despite these troubles."
-- You should really start this answer out with a premise. Since there aren't real aliens that can be referenced, you need to kinda set the scene with what kind of Aliens you're talking about. Because it's not like we can assume that the aliens are attacking earth without you saying that at the beginning.
(e) "And aliens live in space/galaxy! They are exposed to other parts of the universe that I could only dream of."
--No. No slashed. "Furthermore, aliens inhabit the galaxy. They know the wonders and secrets of the universe that I can only dream of"
(f)"They are able to deal with different gasses, planets, and maybe other life forms."
--See point d. You really need to establish what kind of aliens these are.
Also you should wrap it up more powerfully. You need an overall statement, bringing all your ideas together.
Hope that was helpful xx.
(a) I want to be able to wake up in the morning and instead of rushing off to school,
--All of those are really vague. You may want to rephrase to say something such as: "Rather than the monotony of my current life, I want to live in the exciting world of aliens. Their supierior technology would allow my daily activities to include experimentation, scientific discover and operating huge space shuttles!"
(b) "Aliens are the independent and have a complex mind of their own."
--"the independent" makes no sense. Also the pronouns make it seem as though they have a collective mind.
(c)"Aliens have also been able to advance themselves personally, unlike robots who are advanced by humans, and dinosaurs who died out"
--Change. Possibly: "Aliens are advanced creatures whose powerful minds have let them achieved wonders as a civilization. Robots are just machines, and the dinosaurs are just beasts"
(d) "There are hundreds of people who are against aliens, and are doing everything to stop them, yet they continue to advance despite these troubles."
-- You should really start this answer out with a premise. Since there aren't real aliens that can be referenced, you need to kinda set the scene with what kind of Aliens you're talking about. Because it's not like we can assume that the aliens are attacking earth without you saying that at the beginning.
(e) "And aliens live in space/galaxy! They are exposed to other parts of the universe that I could only dream of."
--No. No slashed. "Furthermore, aliens inhabit the galaxy. They know the wonders and secrets of the universe that I can only dream of"
(f)"They are able to deal with different gasses, planets, and maybe other life forms."
--See point d. You really need to establish what kind of aliens these are.
Also you should wrap it up more powerfully. You need an overall statement, bringing all your ideas together.
Hope that was helpful xx.