Mikasha
Jul 4, 2011
Undergraduate / "My father: a tenacious strength and resilience" - obstacle or bump [5]
In both your essays, you do a lot more 'telling' than 'showing'. I suggest that you SHOW the readers the unique qualities that you possess as an individual and how your family influenced you. You can say that you are a humble individual but how are you humble? Perhaps you can expand on how your mother influenced the person that you are today? Honestly, I still don't quite understand how your family instilled those qualities in you because you don't clearly express or show how your mother showed you "humility" or how your father gave you "tenacious strength".
I suggest that you brainstorm a few more personal examples for your first essay. If you can't think of any more examples then you may consider choosing another prompt instead.
In both your essays, you do a lot more 'telling' than 'showing'. I suggest that you SHOW the readers the unique qualities that you possess as an individual and how your family influenced you. You can say that you are a humble individual but how are you humble? Perhaps you can expand on how your mother influenced the person that you are today? Honestly, I still don't quite understand how your family instilled those qualities in you because you don't clearly express or show how your mother showed you "humility" or how your father gave you "tenacious strength".
I suggest that you brainstorm a few more personal examples for your first essay. If you can't think of any more examples then you may consider choosing another prompt instead.
