Writing Feedback / Guide to being Good and Religious Followers of God - Satirical Essay about Religion [3]

Tell me what you think-am I taking it too far?
Here is my writing prompt by the way:
"Think of a serious social, political, and/or economic problem we face as Americans, and think of your own 'modest' proposal to this problem. Write your own satirical essay (750-1000 words in length) discussing the problem and possible solutions."

-Thank you.

My Guide to being Good and Religious Followers of God.
Every year, thousands of individuals suffer from physical and emotional events

that will lead them to lose their faith in the higher power-to God. They walk about on

Earth without a purpose or any significance in their life. I believe it is agreed by

general public, that these individuals should have a chance to kindle or rekindle

their faith in God. Many times, even those who claim they are good followers

require instructions on how to refine their way of worshipping God. To this social

problem I will now suggest my meager proposals to which I hope will lead a society

of pious and susceptible Catholics. I assure any non-believers of my proposals that,

if given a chance, this will serve many to become suitable followers of God.

It is absolutely necessary for individuals to be baptized to become faithful

worshippers. Baptism is a ritual the Christian church undertakes as an initiatory rite,

usually performed upon infants and babies. Baptism takes place in church where the

priest or father will give the individual a free bath. Thus, one should only go when

dirty. Once this takes place, congratulations, you are now officially baptized.

Now, an individual must go to church if one has the nerve to call themselves

a Catholic. It feels good to attend church on Sunday after a good night of clubbing

and heavy drinking with friends. At mass, just before Eucharist, baskets are passed

out for individuals to pay what they will receive in Holy Bread and wine. To get

your money's worth, I recommend gulping down as much wine as possible when

consecration is offered.

Children can also be made into faithful servers of God. Now, you can help

participate in your fellow local church by offering your child to the priest or father.

They can be altar servers, join the youth group at their parish, participate in the

hospitality ministry, eucharistic ministers, or in choir. However, don't worry about

the periodic news reports about priests molesting children. Recently, a reverend

made the following statement: "The majority of priests don't want to molest children

at all. But for those who do, we must make sure they're doing it at a reasonable

rate." Thus, only a minimum of ten children per thousand clergy. I assure you, your

child has a small chance of being the father's special friend.

God would like every lesbian, homosexual, transsexual, and gay that He

loves you, regardless if you make Him vomit. It is our duty as Catholics to stop

them from being so perverted and normal like us. They must know that their life is

insignificant until they live it just like us-like reasonable humans. So until they turn

their life over, it is absolutely necessary for them to know they are repugnant and

evil creatures. Any individuals who have realized their friends or family members

are acting strangely or have "came out of the closet", we must pray for them until

they turn right with Christ Jesus. Or at least find a suitable place for them to dangle

their nooses.

There are instances when one's child seems to be out of hand and

uncontrollable. But, if one does not control them from a start, they can become a

wicked child. If a child is able to sit down without the help of ice or medicine after a

good spanking, the child will believe they have outsmarted the parent and move on

to even more extreme sins. The parent should realize that to rear a child

successfully, the spankings should be something the child will remember well into

adulthood. First of all, the parent should call the child with a loving nickname to

gain their trust and get closer; have them sit on your lap. Once on your lap, clasp

them tightly so the child does not run away. Pull out a bible, preferably a hardcover,

and smack them across the buttocks firmly. Toss them aside and leave them alone

until they calm down. Shortly after, have them sit on your lap again, assure them

you will not spank them if they do not act wickedly. Tell the child to read some

verses about Hell with the same bible you spanked them with. Assure the child that

Hell is nothing compared with the spanking. Remember parents, the spankings must

be traumatic, so no need to be held back.

I most humbly suggest, for the sake of God's followers, that there be no

objections to my recent proposals. These will not only help individuals be closer to

God, but will teach individuals of the goodness of Him. These proposals, I assure,

are solutions to problems we encounter of how to deal with homosexuals and even

on how to rear a child properly. Thus, helping with purging our souls into good,

faithful servers of God.