Giovancy
Jun 22, 2011
Undergraduate / "Great city and community" - Biology Temple University transfer essay [3]
It's a very interesting topic to begin with and I like what you chose to write about, it shows your character development. I fully understand what your trying to say , but i just dont think you expressed it in all the right ways.
This is a personal essay so feel free to go against any of my suggestions =]
But things that I would have done differentley are:
Introduction- I like the start (first sentence) good hook ! I'd change the sentences I was forced to attend classes in Delaware County Community College. Still with no direction, I lazily attended classes. While reading I feel like you had a choice to make an effort in school to get you into a better college but you weren't quite as motivated at the time. Maybe talk about how your lack of motivation brought you to a school that you didn't quite feel was right for you.
Body- Out of respect to others attending community colleges, dont make it seem like attending Delaware County Community College was a real bad thing. Instead take a different approach and talk more about that realization, how you wanted bigger plans for yourself. Talk about things you learned in that college. <- Demonstrating a little of what you learned at Delaware Community College will as far as life lessons and about motivation will surley impress the college your trying to transfer to while at the same time it would demonstrate character development.
Conclusion- Expand ! talk more about why the college interests you. Your reasons for wanting to go there is not quite convincing (personally) Talk about how you always visioned yourself in the future living in a city like where the location of the school is. How now that your more motivated, you want to challenge yourself and work hard. How you want to pursue a degree in Biology and your intrigued with there program
Hope this helps somewhat lol :P
It's a very interesting topic to begin with and I like what you chose to write about, it shows your character development. I fully understand what your trying to say , but i just dont think you expressed it in all the right ways.
This is a personal essay so feel free to go against any of my suggestions =]
But things that I would have done differentley are:
Introduction- I like the start (first sentence) good hook ! I'd change the sentences I was forced to attend classes in Delaware County Community College. Still with no direction, I lazily attended classes. While reading I feel like you had a choice to make an effort in school to get you into a better college but you weren't quite as motivated at the time. Maybe talk about how your lack of motivation brought you to a school that you didn't quite feel was right for you.
Body- Out of respect to others attending community colleges, dont make it seem like attending Delaware County Community College was a real bad thing. Instead take a different approach and talk more about that realization, how you wanted bigger plans for yourself. Talk about things you learned in that college. <- Demonstrating a little of what you learned at Delaware Community College will as far as life lessons and about motivation will surley impress the college your trying to transfer to while at the same time it would demonstrate character development.
Conclusion- Expand ! talk more about why the college interests you. Your reasons for wanting to go there is not quite convincing (personally) Talk about how you always visioned yourself in the future living in a city like where the location of the school is. How now that your more motivated, you want to challenge yourself and work hard. How you want to pursue a degree in Biology and your intrigued with there program
Hope this helps somewhat lol :P
