Scholarship / "to more accurately reflect the diversity of America" - Too Professional? Peace Corp [5]

Hello People!

First off, thank you for any advice or comments. I really appreciate your help. Joining the Peace Corp is a big step and writing the essay is hard.

Any feedback will be most helpful. I'm afraid that my essay is to "business" like and not convincing. I've been working on this essay for a LONG time (upwards 2 years). I finally feel comfortable enough, with what I have to ask for comments.

Word Count: 479

The Peace Corps: A Non-Traditional Path

As a young single African American woman, I have lived a rather privileged and sheltered life. I have had much provided to me: an education, a safe home, good health as well as anything else I ever wanted or needed. My family provided me opportunities to learn and grow, so now I feel that is my turn to take the next steps and explore the rest of the world - by taking a risk and facing a challenge.

I knew a long time ago from hearing stories from my grandmother of her worldly travels that I wanted to see the world through a distinctive experience. I believe that the Peace Corps will be able to provide that uniqueness through immersion into a different culture and the opportunity to learn a new language.

The main reason that I would like to join the Peace Corps is to give back to the global community, while educating my whole person through experience based learning. I am motivated by the responsibility to engage the rest of the world in a mutually beneficial dialogue - volunteering. My goal in life is not to leave a huge mark on the world but to make a difference regardless of the scale. By applying the educational philosophies and practical experiences gained in the work place and during college, I will be doing something meaningful not based on the financial reward but on the difference that it will make a on my life and on others.

Even though I have a positive mindset about the overall Peace Corp experience, I know that the integration and transition into the 27 month commitment will be a difficult. I recognize that the Peace Corps requires flexibility and the understanding that I may not be quickly acclimated or accepted into my new community. To overcome the daily struggles of the Peace Corps, I will rely on my faith that the obstacles regardless of the difficulty will make me a stronger person.

I believe that understanding and living with diversity is an urgent challenge that the world needs to face. While in college, I volunteered with the International Student Association to help increase cross-cultural awareness among the community. My intent was to close the cultural gaps are significantly wide at Towson University. Since graduation, I have continued to encourage cultural diversity and citizen diplomacy, "One Hand Shake at a Time" at the World Trade Center Institute. The Peace Corps will continue my mission to expose the different faces of Americans.

If I am accepted into the Peace Corps, I will take the responsibility to more accurately reflect the diversity of America; I will be dedicated my placement community and I will be patient. I will work hard to fulfill the Peace Corps core expectations and most importantly, I will re-define myself as an open-minded citizen of the world.