Undergraduate / "My motivation of not giving up" - UC Personal Statement Prompt#2 [3]

Prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Although I have encountered many hardships before, there's one that strongly impressed me, and it taught me no matter what difficulty you are dealing with, you will be able to overcome it as long as your perseverance and strength exist.

This was happened about a year ago. One day, I and some of my friends saw a poster that said a 24-hour hiking event would be held by a charity organization, the purpose of this hiking was to fundraise for a retirement home to renew its facilities. We originally considered this event was very meaningful; however, some of us, including me, thought that it's impossible to walk for 24 hours, because we could not believe how long the trail would be. Suddenly, a person got close to us, and he said to us, "If you don't try, you must lose; if you try, you at least have a chance to win, even though it is very little." We thank to what he had said because he gave us motivation to take this challenge. Finally, three of us decided to join the event.

Once we prepared all the equipment, then we and other participants started the hiking at eight o'clock in the morning. In the first few hours, we energetically walk through the trail without resting. But about one more hour later, some of the participants felt tired and wanted to retire from the challenge, I and the leader told them not to give up but they might take a break. And those who felt tired continued to walk after they took the rest. When we had hiked for 15 hours, four of the participants told us that they were both mentally and physically exhausted, and could not go on. They finally left from the team even we had encouraged them to finish it for many times. The rest of us believed that if we have the willpower, we would able to conquer the difficulty. Another morning was coming, and we were almost to the end, then we fostered each other until we reached the finishing point. We saw a group of elderlies from the retirement home applauded to us.

From this hiking event, I am very proud of myself because I have the courage to take the challenge and finally finish it no matter what frustrations I have encountered. I am also proud of my friends because they give me supports so that I won't give up. This adventure makes me to be a person who does not easily give up and always maintain the perseverance; therefore, goals will be achieved. I believe this thought should be brought to school as well by encouraging others to do their best, and reminding oneself never give up.

I just wrote it few days ago, and didn't change anything in it,
I am going to apply for UCLA, UCSD, i don't know if this works...
Please read this, and don't be afraid to make any comments and corrections I should make, thank you so much!!!