Writing Feedback / 'My Friend Moni' - this is my first descriptive essay for grade [4]

My Friend Moni

Moni was a girl I used to hang out with back when I was in first grade in high school. She was a really good friend to me, and since I was new to the school, she made me feel like I wasn't alone. We would play basketball a lot and eat cookies whenever I went over to her house after school. She was kind of tall, so when we played basketball, she would usually beat the snot out of me because she was taller than I was. She never would say anything to hurt my feelings. She would laugh all the time, but it was sort of fake, as if there was something underneath. Moni grew up in different city which is named Darkhan and her dad was a construction worker and her mom a certified dietician. She had an extreme love for basketball, and whenever she would play in championship, she would be the first one at the game.

Her uncle owned some apartments in Ulanbator, which is capital city of Mongolia, and had become ill, so her father packed up everything from Darkhan and moved to Ulanbator. Life in Ulanbator was great at first for Moni. We would be together a lot, doing all sorts of things. Both of us were enjoying our years of high school, and preparing to be together for specialized mathematics high school, but things started to change with her. Her dad went out of city more and more, leaving just Moni and her mother in the house for months at a time. When Moni's dad was away, Moni would command her mother to do everything she said. One time when I was over, Moni was screaming at the top of her lungs for her mother to go to mall and get her some food. She was very vindictive with her. She told her that she had no money and that she would just fix something for dinner. Moni always got her way though, and would not stop screaming at her until she agreed to go get her food. I told her mom that I was sorry for what she had said to her, but she just asked me if I wanted something too, and I declined, but when she came back, she had gotten something for me, just so Moni wouldn't yell at her.

While Moni's dad was away, she treated his mom like crap. There were days when she would sleep in and make her mom call her school. She had turned into a slob. Her hair was down past her back, she had started to gain weight, and she had a sick look to her. She was no longer happy about anything and never wanted to play basketball anymore. All she wanted to do was to sit alone in her bedroom and watch television. Whenever I would call, her mom would say that she was sleeping and that there wasn't anything she could do to get her up. I had my test by then, so we could do more preparation together for mathematical test, but Moni never wanted to do anything besides sit at home in her basement and be lonely. Moni's dad came home maybe once a month, and stayed for about a week at a time. Moni would be so happy to see her dad, and she went to school all the time, cleaned herself up so she looked normal again, and would be nice to all of her friends. She wanted her dad to see that she was doing well back home. She wanted people to come over to play basketball and have fun. She even invited people to swim in the pool. Things would go great for Moni. She would be so happy, but as soon as her dad would go away, Moni changed her character again. She was no longer a nice black-haired, black-eyed nice girl, but an evil, harsh person that had turned for the worse. I stopped hanging out with Moni because I couldn't stand to be around her anymore. She had started hanging out with the wrong crowd. She was accepted by all the losers who did drugs. She was arrested at her house for having a drinking party while her father was away. She hardly spoke to her mother anymore, and when she did, it was sinful, dirty things that a person should never say. She would curse at her and tell her that she hated her, and that she wished that she would die. I was just finishing up high school by then and was beginning my quest to find the money to further my education at the college level.

Moni's wish was granted earlier this year. Moni's mom died of cancer. She had tried for so many years to help Moni put her life in the right direction, but Moni could have no part in it. Moni's father was home when her mother died, and Moni was playing the card. Delger, her dad, never found out about Moni's anger towards her mother, and Moni was finally happy because her father was home for good, but she was too late. Moni failed her senior years of high school by doing drugs and drinking all the time. All her friends left her, even the ones who did drugs with her. she found out too late what she had put herself and her mother through. I saw Moni at the mall one year ago. She was wearing a shirt and looked like the girl that I used to hang out with in junior high. I asked her what she was going to do about school, and she said that she planned to get her GED and try to put her life back together. she was back to her tall and skinny figure, and it seemed like we could be friends again someday. I found it sad to know that she finally learned her lesson at the cost of her mother's life. She would have done anything for that girl to get ahead in the world, and perhaps dying the way she did taught Moni a lesson to make something of her life, because you never know when it will end.