Undergraduate / 'to abide by the strict decorum' - UMich Community Essay- Caddy Program [2]

This is the prompt:
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

1st Draft:

We are forced to abide by the strict decorum; constantly being ordered to apologize, admit to ignorance and speak only when spoken to. Everyday, we labor away in the hot sun for nearly eight hours--easily classified as "modern day slaves" by our peers. Yet a resonating tone exudes from our bodies when we are finally together again. From the average person looking in, we are mere caddies. However, our job is what binds us together: We call it family.

Every summer, I return to my [rather] unconventional community at Detroit Golf Club. There are about forty of us--each with our own story tell--with forty ears listening. I am able to develop interpersonal relationships with people i barely knew 2 months ago. We become brothers and sisters, set apart by our races, ages, and situations.The caddy shack becomes a place of security as we talk about the most sensitve subjects to the most comical. Here, the jokes are endless, constantly teasing one another and pointing out each others flaws. I find comfort in the relationship we share and even on the days with weather so unbearable, I am eager to go to work.

Everyone plays their part. While our "roles" do not define our place within, they help us function as the family we created. My minuscule role of providing rides to and from work deems grand in the eyes of my coworkers. I don't even think twice about helping set up the range or moving carts in the morning. This is how i operate with them. Together we come as one; Influenced by one another; Joint by the same thing that sets us apart.

**This is a super rough draft** Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Please Be HARSH while critiquing. I need all the help i can get. Thank You!