Undergraduate / 'grateful when all I have are food, shelter, clothing' Personal Statement-UC Prompt 1 [3]

Here's the first draft of my personal statement. Can anyone take a look and offer some feedbacks or improvements? Thanks

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

When a family is in poverty, the ones that suffer are the children. Growing up in a low income family, I am taught to be grateful when all I have are food, shelter, and clothing. I agree with my father that children should not be spoil. However, in order to become happy, healthy humans, children need their parents' care, love, and respect. More importantly, they need money, not a large amount, but a decent amount. In order to have a better life, I know I must be successful. Before I achieve success, which in turn enables me to escape poverty and help children in poverty, I must attend college, where I can pursuit my dream of becoming an entrepreneur and an inspirational individual.

Money is the cure to poverty. My parents hate poverty. Poverty is my father's biggest fear. However, my mother still has hope. She thinks that my college education can help the family triumph over poverty. With a business degree, I can find a well-paid job. However, my father is impatient. He wants to take matters in his own hand. During an economic crisis, there is little he can do. If only I have a college degree, we would not be in poverty. Still his complains aggravate me. If he hates poverty, why didn't he do something about it in the first place? Sick and tired of my father's incapability, I am determined to do everything possible to be successful.

Money spent in education is good money. In order to save money, my father refuses to buy anything that is not food, water and house supplies. Whenever I ask him for money to help my club fundraise, he calls fundraiser a rip off. How does he know what is superfluous or what is not? He is not in my club. Therefore, he can't determine whether the fundraisers are extravagant. My mother is also instructed not to waste money since she does not work. To ensure that my sister and I are happy and healthy, she chooses to stay home than work all the day long. To provide us with a happy childhood, she is forced to follow my father's instructions. As hard she tries to obey him, she is still human; she has emotions and feelings. During the time of my father's unemployment, my parents' relationship became tense. One day, I arrive home from a long day at school, not knowing what awaits me, walks into the living room, where my mother stood silent, with a cold-face expression. I walk up to her and ask her, "Mom, what's wrong?" She turns toward me and said nothing. Yet, I can sense something is wrong. At that moment, I feel weak and inferior since there's nothing I can do to revive my parent's relationship.

The intensity of my parents' relationship heightens my level of determination. If my father can't provide for us, I will support the family. Why wait for someone to help you when you can help yourself? Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Insist on yourself; never imitate." In other words, be true to yourself, and even though change is constant and we should always improve, and learn, and grow, we need to be careful not to adapt to our loved ones so much, that we lose who we truly are as individuals. As I watch my mother sacrifice her freedom for me, I can't sit here and wait because I can't afford to watch her effort go down the drain. Before I can take action, I need to attend college. Only with a business degree will I be able to become a successful entrepreneur.

With the money I earn, I want to help my family and children in poverty so more children can have a happy childhood. My mother always taught me to be grateful for what I have. If I have more than I need, I should help those in need. According to Winston Churchill, "We make a living by what we do, but we make a life by what we give." If every person lends a helping hand, we will have enough strength to end poverty.