Sharoneee
Nov 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Extracurricular- Hindustani and Carnatic [3]
My throat was on fire but I pushed myself anyways. I told myself: fight to the end, and finish the game. This was my motto. I have been working on the alaap, a complex improvised musical prelude that is sung before the beginning of the raag, I would add the part when you describe what it is up here instead of later just so you don't confuse the reader from the start. for 3 hours now I have been singing the same notes over and over again to sound polishedand seem effortless. "Sa Re Ga Ma...No that's not how it goes" I thought to myself "back to the beginning of the alaap". I have been learning Hindustani and Carnatic, two different types of Indian classical music, for over seven years. Over the years,Might consider changing over the years to "During these years..." since the word "over" makes it sound a bit repetitive. I learned so much about the type of person ..? type of person what? Almost seems like something is missing here? and have learned to push myself further in terms of singing and also mentally.Sounds weird, might sound better if it was parallel structure. Try vocally and mentally? Each raag, which consists of 5 or more musical notes that is rendered in musical phrases,This should go in the beginning has taught me how to cry, laugh, *enjoy life, and how to live life.* It taught me that I must open my heart *to life* in every moment or else I might miss it.What is it? Chance? Opportunity? Be specific! (:
**Too much of the word life! It makes it sound too repetitive! I can't think of how you could change the first two, but for the last sentence maybe something like "It taught me how to keep my heart and mind open..."
I like it. It's a very unique activity and I really like how you're rolling with it. I made a few comments/suggestions but you don't have to follow all if you don't want to (:
The only thing is (And I have trouble with this too) you make more general statements then specific ones. Like, you say it taught you how to cry, laugh, enjoy life etc. but you don't quite explain how. For only 1000 characters this may be hard to do, but an example would be like "Learning the piece made me a more focused and determined person" can be made tremendously better by changing it to "The piece was difficult to learn, but I took deep breaths and began to refocus. I had to do this."
See the difference?
If you think it'll be too hard to do then don't worry about it, other than a few nit picky things here and there it sounds like a pretty solid statement to me.
My throat was on fire but I pushed myself anyways. I told myself: fight to the end, and finish the game. This was my motto. I have been working on the alaap, a complex improvised musical prelude that is sung before the beginning of the raag, I would add the part when you describe what it is up here instead of later just so you don't confuse the reader from the start. for 3 hours now I have been singing the same notes over and over again to sound polished
**Too much of the word life! It makes it sound too repetitive! I can't think of how you could change the first two, but for the last sentence maybe something like "It taught me how to keep my heart and mind open..."
I like it. It's a very unique activity and I really like how you're rolling with it. I made a few comments/suggestions but you don't have to follow all if you don't want to (:
The only thing is (And I have trouble with this too) you make more general statements then specific ones. Like, you say it taught you how to cry, laugh, enjoy life etc. but you don't quite explain how. For only 1000 characters this may be hard to do, but an example would be like "Learning the piece made me a more focused and determined person" can be made tremendously better by changing it to "The piece was difficult to learn, but I took deep breaths and began to refocus. I had to do this."
See the difference?
If you think it'll be too hard to do then don't worry about it, other than a few nit picky things here and there it sounds like a pretty solid statement to me.
