Posts by oreoreal

oreoreal

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'in the middle of a war zone' - Common App extra curricular essay [5]

Your first paragraph is a bit depressing. If it's a football essay, i would suggest using the "War zone" idea you used here. To me Basketball is somewhat, more like survival in a jungle, or cheetahs fighting for food in the grasslands. It depends if you still want to add a creative intro. I enjoy reading it, it really expresses on how proud you were as a team that day. Hope I helped. Thanks for criticizing my essay. :)

My rating is an 8 ;D

oreoreal

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'A Proud Accomplishment' - experience common app [4]

The theme is "Significant Experience/accomplishment that makes you a person".
I really need criticism on this essay. It's actually my first essay, and my essay for my application form for Ateneo. So kindly, judge, rate 1-10 and do give me some tips.

A Proud Accomplishment

Every time I read what I wrote down four years ago, I can still feel the sentimentality of the plots, and my poor script I had written. I always wanted to be a heroine and save mankind when I was young. Determined I was, I struggled to be like Popeye and ate plenty of vegetables to be as robust as that tar did by gorging a can of spinach to aid someone in need. However as a child, I still preferred the delights of protein or confections in my plate. As I turned nine years old, my classmates made fun of me when I presented my dream to be a superhero in my oral presentation. I already knew that magic, monsters, witches, aliens and so as my dream sounds fictitious. I was aware of reality contrasting before when I ate vegetables to be a heroine. I can still recall my classmates asking me on why am I tenacious of the impossible. Normally at my age I will think a bit more maturely. But I always answered them with these immature words for them to be satisfied; "I love mankind, because we are unique. And I want to succor these beings despite being good or evil". Since then, I became a social outcast in my class, and only made a few friends who think highly of my strong resolve. When my high school years started, I became valiant, candid, optimistic and genial. A pen pal then suggested the idea of writing after hearing a brief digest of my childhood dream. She taught me points, and ways on how to produce humor and suspense in typing a novel. I may not know her in person, but listening to her advice; I began writing my very first novel and later on turned into a long saga for its many adventures. The first tale I composed conveys the heroine's desire to find mankind's treasure in a world of phantasm.

As a person, I have a home to value, a life to appreciate, and a dream to fulfill. The tale I wrote four years back had no end till this day which makes my greatest feat. The heroine and her desire represent me and what I aspire. One day I want to be someone immense in this world. I don't know how I will make it, but certainly one day I will learn how. Entering college is me taking my first step in finding mankind's treasure, and a test for me as a successful heroine yet to star. This is my resolve as an individual.

I want to improve on writing my essays. I usually write literal in some anecdotes and use a simple narration. So I hope this get me accepted in Ateneo.

Do answer this thread. :D