Undergraduate / 'my excitement to return to work' - Transfer essay - sensitive topic? [4]

My essay is a bit long - a page and a half long - to allow for an explanation for my GPA at my previous university. In my essay, I talk about the depression that I suffered from during my two years in uni. I have read that talking about mental health is frowned upon, because it tends to give the entire essay a negative spin. I have tried to keep it positive and forward-thinking, but I would love some feedback from other people. I also fear it might sound too desperate, or too showy. Do my paragraphs flow from one to the other? I feel like my points are a bit disparate. If anyone would like some feedback on their essay, I would be very happy to trade my feedback for yours! All the best.

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

There are so many things I wish I could write about. I wish I could tell you about my years in high school - I would write about my travels across Asia and the years I spent living in Hong Kong, Singapore and Tokyo; about the way my bilingual French education allowed me to see the world through dual-tinted glasses. I wish I could tell you all about how I am doing now - happy, healthy, and optimistic about the path that lies ahead. Nevertheless, my current circumstances draw me to examine the time when I was most challenged - the first two years of my undergraduate studies.

At the age of sixteen, at the end of my senior year, I chose to matriculate at McGill University - an institution with excellent academic reputation, lower tuition, and a wealth of old friends. Uncertain of what my eventual concentration would be, I thought it would be a decision best made later on.

An introductory course on Japanese culture in my first semester sparked my passion for East Asian studies. Since becoming enamored with the analysis of the gender roles in postwar Japanese cinema, the examination of intraregional politics and economy, or the study of the Mandarin language, my love for East Asian studies has only blossomed. I continue today, during my recovering gap year at home, to read texts on East Asia with fervor - I have on my nightstand a half-finished biography of Emperor Hirohito and his reign in postwar Japan, and just recently finished reading Haruki Murakami's compendium of accounts of the 1994 sarin gas attacks in Tokyo.

The two years I eventually spent at McGill were challenging not only academically, but also, and perhaps mostly, emotionally. My emotional challenges especially impeded my ability to overcome academic ones. Untreated depression kept me confined to my dormitory on all but the best of days, and my rapidly deteriorating GPA discouraged me from participating even in classes that excited my cloudy mind. I failed to attend lectures, failed to keep up with assignments, failed to attend finals, and failed to seek the proper resources to succeed at McGill.

After much deliberation, I chose to withdraw from McGill and take a year to recover my health. I have undergone treatment for my depression, and now better understand the symptoms to prevent future problems. Despite my pockmarked undergraduate record, I remain intensely passionate about learning. During summers in between my time at McGill, I studied history and comparative politics at the Harvard Extension School, and am currently enrolled in a yearlong Mandarin language course. My vastly improved GPA at Harvard is a testament to my ability to succeed in challenging university courses taught by professors from such institutions as the University of Georgia, Tufts University, and Wellesley College.

Looking to the future of my undergraduate career, I hope to start afresh with renewed health and determination to succeed in my study of Asia. Though I appreciate the opportunities at McGill, now certain of my passions I seek an institution with a larger, broader Asian Studies department and a more closely-knit sense of community.

Though the two years I spent at McGill seemed bleak in the moment, I look back on them without regret. The challenges I faced have enabled me to grow into a more emotionally mature and self-knowing woman, better able to confront unexpected difficulties. My recovering year has only exacerbated my excitement to return to work - despite myself, I find myself longing for late-night essay writing and the thrill of independent research. Though I walked through the university gates in my freshman year an unripe seventeen year old, uncertain and confused, today I feel prepared to approach my studies with the same rigor and enthusiasm I once did, and assured in my abilities to succeed in anything I set my mind to.