saltwatergame
Aug 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a domino effect' - UF essay rough draft [2]
I need help with critiquing my UF essay rough draft. Any improvements to sentence structure, punctuation, and overall flow of my writing would be greatly appreciated. Here is the prompt :
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service
My childhood could easily have been described as a domino effect. I played catch with some of my friends, I soon achieved to be in the major leagues; I rode a skateboard, a few months later I wanted to be a pro skateboarder; my parents bought me a telescope, I then wanted to be an astronaut. But what all of these goals had in common was that they were impractical, and upon discovering this, I often discarded them completely only to move on to something else. That is, until my new stepfather showed me an activity that actually could lead to an achievable career.
My stepfather, Dave, always loved sport fishing;. Days off of school and work were often spent at the local fishing pier or at another one of our favorite places to fish and bond as family. Ultimately, it was not long until I became obsessed with fishing. This simple hobby, introduced to me by my step dad, soon cascaded into something more. After a while, it wasn't only the fishing that intrigued me, but the systems that were involved: lunar phases, current/wind speed, water temperature and visibility, and much more. I not only wanted to fish, but also to learn about the scientific aspects behind it; however, I never thought that this could lead to a practical career.
That all changed on July 28, 2007 when I learned that my stepfather died of a massive aneurism at the age of 41. At first I didn't know what to do with myself, but eventually I realized what was taken away from me, also bequeathed to me an enthusiasm for learning. And after his death, I began to think about my future and what I wanted to do with my life, and in the end, I realized that I wanted to work with my passion, and that was marine sciences. Consequently, instead of giving up fishing to move on to something else, I embraced it even more: I started joining clubs, entering in fishing tournaments, and even started volunteering at a marine center. All of which taught me a great deal about marine biology and ecology.
Consequently, my eagerness to learn won't end in college. If its one thing that my early teenage years have taught me, it's that I have to make the most out of the time I have, and this will only translate into a better college experience in that I know the opportunity I have in getting accepted to the University of Florida; and if I do get accepted, I would make sure that I don't take this opportunity for granted by working diligently and participating in campus life, whether in the classroom or out of it.
I need help with critiquing my UF essay rough draft. Any improvements to sentence structure, punctuation, and overall flow of my writing would be greatly appreciated. Here is the prompt :
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service
My childhood could easily have been described as a domino effect. I played catch with some of my friends, I soon achieved to be in the major leagues; I rode a skateboard, a few months later I wanted to be a pro skateboarder; my parents bought me a telescope, I then wanted to be an astronaut. But what all of these goals had in common was that they were impractical, and upon discovering this, I often discarded them completely only to move on to something else. That is, until my new stepfather showed me an activity that actually could lead to an achievable career.
My stepfather, Dave, always loved sport fishing;. Days off of school and work were often spent at the local fishing pier or at another one of our favorite places to fish and bond as family. Ultimately, it was not long until I became obsessed with fishing. This simple hobby, introduced to me by my step dad, soon cascaded into something more. After a while, it wasn't only the fishing that intrigued me, but the systems that were involved: lunar phases, current/wind speed, water temperature and visibility, and much more. I not only wanted to fish, but also to learn about the scientific aspects behind it; however, I never thought that this could lead to a practical career.
That all changed on July 28, 2007 when I learned that my stepfather died of a massive aneurism at the age of 41. At first I didn't know what to do with myself, but eventually I realized what was taken away from me, also bequeathed to me an enthusiasm for learning. And after his death, I began to think about my future and what I wanted to do with my life, and in the end, I realized that I wanted to work with my passion, and that was marine sciences. Consequently, instead of giving up fishing to move on to something else, I embraced it even more: I started joining clubs, entering in fishing tournaments, and even started volunteering at a marine center. All of which taught me a great deal about marine biology and ecology.
Consequently, my eagerness to learn won't end in college. If its one thing that my early teenage years have taught me, it's that I have to make the most out of the time I have, and this will only translate into a better college experience in that I know the opportunity I have in getting accepted to the University of Florida; and if I do get accepted, I would make sure that I don't take this opportunity for granted by working diligently and participating in campus life, whether in the classroom or out of it.
