Undergraduate / Writing an essay for the Fashion Institute for Technology's FMM program. [2]

Hello all, I am applying to the Spring-Term Fashion Merchandising Management program at F.I.T. and I'm experiencing a bit of a meltdown with my essay. The essay topic is as follows:

What makes you a perfect candidate for F.I.T.? Why are you interested in the major that you are applying to? This is your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities, and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please).

This is my essay so far:

As a young girl, I have always aspired go to into the career of fashion. I would always take my dolls' clothes and alter them in some way, as opposed to how they came in the box. This inspired a passion and desire to leave my mark on the fashion world, since I am from the world's fashion capital, New York City. Even though this industry is notorious for being very competitive, I am willing and able to rise up to any challenge.

My first two years of high school were not exactly the greatest years of my life as a high school student. I lost two important people in my life, my grandmother and my father in a nine-month span. My grandmother, lived with my mother and I and taught me how to sew, do math, as well as read and write. As the years went on, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. was in the final stages when she passed on in January of 2009. My father, a 9/11 survivor, was living in New Jersey and had successfully received a kidney transplant. After a year and a half of receiving the transplant, his body had rejected the kidneys, which caused his body to shut down, and passed away in October 2009 due to the complications. While all this was happening, my grades in school were very far from perfect, and I really had to make a turn around, not only because my family was counting on me, but to better myself for the future. In my next two years of high school, I had begun to take interest in photography, a hobby of my father's, along with experimenting with my clothes a lot more. I began sewing buttons, old brooches, and other fabrics onto my clothing, to improve it a bit to my liking. My grades had gotten better, and I was finally able to raise my G.P.A. These events in my life also ultimately played a huge role in deciding my career path.

My greatest fashion influence would have to be my father. He would always dress to the nines and never disappoint. He would wear something, no matter how silly or bold it was, like his signature ostrich-skin shoes that he had in six different colors. He never cared what people would think about his style, and I'm sure that's whom I developed the hunger for fashion from. He would always encourage me to go for my dreams, like any other father would. However, his influence was amplified after he passed away when I was fifteen. That was when I sat down and created a vision of my future, and one thing that I couldn't stop seeing was a career in fashion.

A degree from F.I.T. will help me gain knowledge and credibility, which will open many doors for me in the future. I am a perfect candidate for F.I.T. because I love fashion, trendy clothing, and the many processes of creating fashion. I have even taken the time to research the development of fashion merchandising and retail management. I familiarized myself with the different kinds of natural fiber fabrics and synthetics. A degree in fashion merchandising management, I would expand my knowledge of the different textiles and fabrics. Along with the different marketing strategies and trend forecasting, I will gain the skills and determination to break into the fashion industry.