Utauing
Sep 28, 2012
Scholarship / 'America is home to people from many unique cultures' - Diversity Essay [5]
Since the others have commented about content, I'll focus on grammar and style.
"The word 'diversity' can easily be found in a dictionary, but if one wishes to see it for himself, I may be able to help."
Two independent clauses require both comma and conjunction.
"Born in a country that is not even remotely close to America, I have managed to blend the two in a way that has had a profound effect on me and helps me see the world in a new light."
In my opinion, "even" is unnecessary.
"While this may not be valuable to some, it has aided me when it mattered the most."
I would at least identify "diversity" again in this sentence. It may be repetitive to do so in substitution of "this," but you could change the first "this" to "it," and then the latter "it" to "diversity."
"After a while we got to specific countries, and a name I was quite familiar with became part of our discussion."
Again, compound sentence rules.
Also, you can check some of your verbs and make them stronger.
"...many deserts, and one even thought that"
Compound-complex.
"...how Pakistan in actuality is China's neighbor,"
"in actuality" isn't necessary
"'oohs', 'ahhs'"
Make sure you check for typos. This was missing a space.
"...cultures, and that is what makes it great."
Compound sentence.
Formal writing (I consider college essays to be at least semi-formal, depending on the style) does not allow contractions.
In the last paragraph, you do not identify who "we" is.
"One day this war on Ignorance will be won."
The "will be" makes that sentence weak. You can easily change it so the verbs are stronger.
"Until that happens, I will not lose hope and continue in my endeavors. "
If you analyze the structure of this sentence, you will notice that "will not" carries to "continue," destroying the meaning of your sentence. You can change up the wording to fix this.
Sorry if this sounds harsh! I get kind of emotionless when I start looking at grammar.
If you could check out my QB Biographical essay, I would appreciate it.
Since the others have commented about content, I'll focus on grammar and style.
"The word 'diversity' can easily be found in a dictionary, but if one wishes to see it for himself, I may be able to help."
Two independent clauses require both comma and conjunction.
"Born in a country that is not even remotely close to America, I have managed to blend the two in a way that has had a profound effect on me and helps me see the world in a new light."
In my opinion, "even" is unnecessary.
"While this may not be valuable to some, it has aided me when it mattered the most."
I would at least identify "diversity" again in this sentence. It may be repetitive to do so in substitution of "this," but you could change the first "this" to "it," and then the latter "it" to "diversity."
"After a while we got to specific countries, and a name I was quite familiar with became part of our discussion."
Again, compound sentence rules.
Also, you can check some of your verbs and make them stronger.
"...many deserts, and one even thought that"
Compound-complex.
"...how Pakistan in actuality is China's neighbor,"
"in actuality" isn't necessary
"'oohs', 'ahhs'"
Make sure you check for typos. This was missing a space.
"...cultures, and that is what makes it great."
Compound sentence.
Formal writing (I consider college essays to be at least semi-formal, depending on the style) does not allow contractions.
In the last paragraph, you do not identify who "we" is.
"One day this war on Ignorance will be won."
The "will be" makes that sentence weak. You can easily change it so the verbs are stronger.
"Until that happens, I will not lose hope and continue in my endeavors. "
If you analyze the structure of this sentence, you will notice that "will not" carries to "continue," destroying the meaning of your sentence. You can change up the wording to fix this.
Sorry if this sounds harsh! I get kind of emotionless when I start looking at grammar.
If you could check out my QB Biographical essay, I would appreciate it.
