vivz
Sep 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Heap of tears' - past circumstances and experiences impacted who you are - UIUC [2]
Essay #1: In less than 300 words, describe how your past circumstances and experiences (upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If no major, explain intentions and aspirations for first year at Illinois.
This is my first draft and I really need help on proofreading and editing. Also, I have 403 words and I need help shortening my supplement. Thank you!
July 14th started off as a beautiful day for a group of five at North Avenue beach, but ended up being a traumatizing disaster. While the storm worsened with ominous clouds engulfing the sun's rays, my two friends, Stanley and Clinton, dared each other to jump into the raging waves of Lake Michigan. As they dove off of the boardwalk, I already began to panic.
After several minutes, Clinton had emerged from the murky water, but Stanley was nowhere to be seen. As soon as I spotted his unconscious face floating above the water, I knew I needed to take initiative and look for help. Fortunately, three women, two in their early 20s, and one in their mid-40s came to our aid exclaiming that they were doctors and nurses. The doctor herself then hurdled into the water along with three other joggers and brought Stanley to safety. "He lost his pulse..." In that moment, the image of his life-less, body was imprinted into my mind. His lips resembled shriveled raisins as the doctor continued to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
A heap of tears continued to flow out of my eyes until I caught a glimpse of Stanley coughing up water. The burning anger in my throat and my doubt of reality disappeared as I ran towards the doctor and locked her into my arms repeatedly thanking her. She told me, "He was not meant to die. He must have something important to do later on in life."
After staying in the hospital for seven hours, I realized that seeing Stanley nearly drowning and being rescued has really impacted who I am today. Although I do not see myself as a doctor saving people, I do want to pursue an acknowledged career that I enjoy and love.
If I were to attend the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, I want to be able to recall the goal from my freshman year at college twenty years from now. Since sophomore year, I have always dreamt of attending Champaign with a fresh start. As a first-year student, I want to earn A's and B's and continue to stay focused, while also establishing new friendships and enjoying new experiences, such as living without my parents. I want to take a different path of life and come out of Illinois as a successful woman that has made her family proud with big dreams and ambitions.
Essay #1: In less than 300 words, describe how your past circumstances and experiences (upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If no major, explain intentions and aspirations for first year at Illinois.
This is my first draft and I really need help on proofreading and editing. Also, I have 403 words and I need help shortening my supplement. Thank you!
July 14th started off as a beautiful day for a group of five at North Avenue beach, but ended up being a traumatizing disaster. While the storm worsened with ominous clouds engulfing the sun's rays, my two friends, Stanley and Clinton, dared each other to jump into the raging waves of Lake Michigan. As they dove off of the boardwalk, I already began to panic.
After several minutes, Clinton had emerged from the murky water, but Stanley was nowhere to be seen. As soon as I spotted his unconscious face floating above the water, I knew I needed to take initiative and look for help. Fortunately, three women, two in their early 20s, and one in their mid-40s came to our aid exclaiming that they were doctors and nurses. The doctor herself then hurdled into the water along with three other joggers and brought Stanley to safety. "He lost his pulse..." In that moment, the image of his life-less, body was imprinted into my mind. His lips resembled shriveled raisins as the doctor continued to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
A heap of tears continued to flow out of my eyes until I caught a glimpse of Stanley coughing up water. The burning anger in my throat and my doubt of reality disappeared as I ran towards the doctor and locked her into my arms repeatedly thanking her. She told me, "He was not meant to die. He must have something important to do later on in life."
After staying in the hospital for seven hours, I realized that seeing Stanley nearly drowning and being rescued has really impacted who I am today. Although I do not see myself as a doctor saving people, I do want to pursue an acknowledged career that I enjoy and love.
If I were to attend the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, I want to be able to recall the goal from my freshman year at college twenty years from now. Since sophomore year, I have always dreamt of attending Champaign with a fresh start. As a first-year student, I want to earn A's and B's and continue to stay focused, while also establishing new friendships and enjoying new experiences, such as living without my parents. I want to take a different path of life and come out of Illinois as a successful woman that has made her family proud with big dreams and ambitions.