joe12o6
Jan 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
thanks again Kevin, I think I am ready to submit
thanks again Kevin, I think I am ready to submit
joe12o6
Jan 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
Thanks for the suggestions Kevin!
is the last sentence awkward because of length?
I am excited to have the opportunity to use my tenacity and creative problem solving and apply it in the business environment, and believe an education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business will equip me with all the necessary groundwork to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
Thanks for the suggestions Kevin!
is the last sentence awkward because of length?
I am excited to have the opportunity to use my tenacity and creative problem solving and apply it in the business environment, and believe an education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business will equip me with all the necessary groundwork to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
joe12o6
Jan 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
I didn't specify, but for the above revised version, can someone please proofread it for grammar, flow, focus, etc.?
I didn't specify, but for the above revised version, can someone please proofread it for grammar, flow, focus, etc.?
joe12o6
Jan 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
I can't tell if this is getting better or worse.
***********
In the spring of 1999, I left everything I knew to join the ranks of "The Few and The Proud." Through five devoted years, the Marines infused in me values like sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty. Attaining the rank of Sergeant provided me opportunities to lead Marines in missions ranging from relief efforts in Indonesia to tours in Afghanistan and have defined me as a leader. Although I did not know it then, the values I learned and leadership experiences I encountered would assist me with my business ventures today.
Upon returning home, my parents shared with me their desire to start a new small business. I ambitiously took the reigns and made it my personal responsibility to see the business flourish by taking creative and aggressive initiatives. One example in particular was triggered from a conversation I had with a customer that complained how package deliveries came during work hours and couldn't be left in the condo's lobby area for liability reasons. Taking her needs into consideration, I collaborated with the management office to come up with a business proposal and contract. For a monthly service charge to the condo association, I would have a secure space built in our workplace, sign for and inventory packages, and notify recipients. More vital than the monthly revenue received from the association, however, was the exposure from exclusively handling packaging for over 600 homeowner units. Due to these types of creative solutions my business is thriving and employee satisfaction is outstanding. The Corps taught me to focus on placing a premium on the people who do the work rather than constantly obsessing over the bottom line and I take pride in being an exceptional manager by implementing this philosophy.
My life experiences thus far have provided me with a wealth of unique lessons learned and now I wish to take my business acumen and leadership adeptness to an even higher level of refinement. I am excited to have the opportunity to use my tenacity and creative problem solving and apply it in the business environment, and believe an education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business will equip me with all the necessary groundwork to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
I can't tell if this is getting better or worse.
***********
In the spring of 1999, I left everything I knew to join the ranks of "The Few and The Proud." Through five devoted years, the Marines infused in me values like sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty. Attaining the rank of Sergeant provided me opportunities to lead Marines in missions ranging from relief efforts in Indonesia to tours in Afghanistan and have defined me as a leader. Although I did not know it then, the values I learned and leadership experiences I encountered would assist me with my business ventures today.
Upon returning home, my parents shared with me their desire to start a new small business. I ambitiously took the reigns and made it my personal responsibility to see the business flourish by taking creative and aggressive initiatives. One example in particular was triggered from a conversation I had with a customer that complained how package deliveries came during work hours and couldn't be left in the condo's lobby area for liability reasons. Taking her needs into consideration, I collaborated with the management office to come up with a business proposal and contract. For a monthly service charge to the condo association, I would have a secure space built in our workplace, sign for and inventory packages, and notify recipients. More vital than the monthly revenue received from the association, however, was the exposure from exclusively handling packaging for over 600 homeowner units. Due to these types of creative solutions my business is thriving and employee satisfaction is outstanding. The Corps taught me to focus on placing a premium on the people who do the work rather than constantly obsessing over the bottom line and I take pride in being an exceptional manager by implementing this philosophy.
My life experiences thus far have provided me with a wealth of unique lessons learned and now I wish to take my business acumen and leadership adeptness to an even higher level of refinement. I am excited to have the opportunity to use my tenacity and creative problem solving and apply it in the business environment, and believe an education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business will equip me with all the necessary groundwork to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
joe12o6
Jan 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
From scorching summers in Afghanistan to frozen winters in South Korea, I'd lie awake at night; eyes closed, reflecting on the past and envisioning life after The Corps. Values the Marines instilled in me such as leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty had me feeling like I could accomplish anything and the invaluable experiences of working with people from different cultures to achieve common goals would spur my interest in international business.
Is there anyway to polish this paragraph? Any ideas on how to polish this paragraph?
From scorching summers in Afghanistan to frozen winters in South Korea, I'd lie awake at night; eyes closed, reflecting on the past and envisioning life after The Corps. Values the Marines instilled in me such as leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty had me feeling like I could accomplish anything and the invaluable experiences of working with people from different cultures to achieve common goals would spur my interest in international business.
Is there anyway to polish this paragraph? Any ideas on how to polish this paragraph?
joe12o6
Jan 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
this is an updated version of the essay that I think may fit the prompt a little better. What do you think? Which should I go with or should I scratch and start over?
In the spring of 1999, I left everything I knew to join the ranks of "The Few and The Proud." Through five devoted years, the Marines infused in me values such as leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty. In the Marines, everything from our culture, to management style and decision making process is geared towards high-speed, high-complexity environments." Back then, the idea never dawned on me how similar the business environment can be.
...
this is an updated version of the essay that I think may fit the prompt a little better. What do you think? Which should I go with or should I scratch and start over?
In the spring of 1999, I left everything I knew to join the ranks of "The Few and The Proud." Through five devoted years, the Marines infused in me values such as leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment, and loyalty. In the Marines, everything from our culture, to management style and decision making process is geared towards high-speed, high-complexity environments." Back then, the idea never dawned on me how similar the business environment can be.
...
joe12o6
Jan 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
EF_Sean
Thanks again Sean. I rewrote the sentences in question...
The Corps taught me to focus on leading and motivating, while manifesting a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line.
and
An education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business would equip me with the groundwork necessary to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
Are these okay?
EF_Sean
Thanks again Sean. I rewrote the sentences in question...
The Corps taught me to focus on leading and motivating, while manifesting a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line.
and
An education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business would equip me with the groundwork necessary to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.
Are these okay?
joe12o6
Jan 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
EF_Sean
The school's business program frowns upon excessive credit hours upon transfer. Not only that, I would like to explain my slightly lower GPA, which resulted from juggling around some engineering courses while working over 40 hours a week. However, I do agree with you that focusing that optional essay on the Marines may be a better choice.
Anyhow, I shortened up the original essay I posted and would appreciate your help once again. If it seems too broad or rushed, I may just end up making 2 essays out of it like you suggested.
EF_Sean
The school's business program frowns upon excessive credit hours upon transfer. Not only that, I would like to explain my slightly lower GPA, which resulted from juggling around some engineering courses while working over 40 hours a week. However, I do agree with you that focusing that optional essay on the Marines may be a better choice.
Anyhow, I shortened up the original essay I posted and would appreciate your help once again. If it seems too broad or rushed, I may just end up making 2 essays out of it like you suggested.
joe12o6
Jan 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
EF_Sean
Wow, thanks for the rapid response!
The "only major criticism" you pointed out has me brainstorming. You see, the folks are retiring, selling the business to collect rent and pay off the business loan on property with that.
soo...
PERSONAL goals = Successful leader/manager of my own company, possibly in the consulting field.
I'm trying to think how to tie this in... any broad suggestions?
Oh, and Illinois does allow for an optional essay, but I was actually considering using that space to explain why I have so many credit hours. (changed majors from engineering to business at my community college)
Once again, my sincere thanks for your amazingly fast response. Hope to get more feedback from you later! Have a good one.
EF_Sean
Wow, thanks for the rapid response!
The "only major criticism" you pointed out has me brainstorming. You see, the folks are retiring, selling the business to collect rent and pay off the business loan on property with that.
soo...
PERSONAL goals = Successful leader/manager of my own company, possibly in the consulting field.
I'm trying to think how to tie this in... any broad suggestions?
Oh, and Illinois does allow for an optional essay, but I was actually considering using that space to explain why I have so many credit hours. (changed majors from engineering to business at my community college)
Once again, my sincere thanks for your amazingly fast response. Hope to get more feedback from you later! Have a good one.
joe12o6
Jan 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]
Prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.
***my essay is 400 words as is, any ideas on how to shorten it? Also, does it fit the prompt? Any ideas on improvement? Please provide some constructive criticism, brutally critical please (I'm not a glutton for pain, just want to perfect this essay)***
Nearly 10 years ago, in the Spring of 1999, I left everything I knew to join the ranks of The Few and The Proud. For five rewarding years, the Marines instilled in me values like leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment and loyalty. At the time, it never dawned on me how these intangibles complement business success.
After an honorable discharge, I came home and was informed by my parents of there desire to start up a new business. I ambitiously took the reigns and made it my personal responsibility to grow it from ground up into the thriving business it is today. After closing on an ideal location for our dry cleaners at the base of a condominium, I designed grand opening fliers with coupons and had a friends printing company make me 4000 copies which I distributed weeks prior to opening. Research revealed to me what competitors were charging for similar services, allowing me to price strategically.
Business being slow for the 1st month was expected, but when we were struggling to break even for the 2nd month, I knew we needed to get aggressive. I remembered a conversation I had with a customer earlier that year. Her issue was this: She worked 9-5. UPS deliveries come between those hours. Packages sent to her couldn't be left in the condo's lobby area for obvious reasons! I came to the realization that there must be many people with the same dilemma. I contacted the management office and proposed an offer to them. I would have a secure storage area built within my business and would sign for, inventory and notify recipients, all for a reasonable service fee of course. More important than the funds received from the condo association, was the exposure from handling packaging for 600 units. Ever since, business is thriving. I've hired employees and pride myself in being a great manager. I focus on leading and motivating people, priceless lessons I learned in the Corps. This contagious attitude keeps a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line
My involvements in life thus far, from serving five years in the Marines, to successfully starting a new business, have provided me with a wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities. Provided the honor, I will passionately engage in my next challenge, to be top business student at Illinois.
Prompt: In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.
***my essay is 400 words as is, any ideas on how to shorten it? Also, does it fit the prompt? Any ideas on improvement? Please provide some constructive criticism, brutally critical please (I'm not a glutton for pain, just want to perfect this essay)***
Nearly 10 years ago, in the Spring of 1999, I left everything I knew to join the ranks of The Few and The Proud. For five rewarding years, the Marines instilled in me values like leadership, sacrifice, perseverance, integrity, commitment and loyalty. At the time, it never dawned on me how these intangibles complement business success.
After an honorable discharge, I came home and was informed by my parents of there desire to start up a new business. I ambitiously took the reigns and made it my personal responsibility to grow it from ground up into the thriving business it is today. After closing on an ideal location for our dry cleaners at the base of a condominium, I designed grand opening fliers with coupons and had a friends printing company make me 4000 copies which I distributed weeks prior to opening. Research revealed to me what competitors were charging for similar services, allowing me to price strategically.
Business being slow for the 1st month was expected, but when we were struggling to break even for the 2nd month, I knew we needed to get aggressive. I remembered a conversation I had with a customer earlier that year. Her issue was this: She worked 9-5. UPS deliveries come between those hours. Packages sent to her couldn't be left in the condo's lobby area for obvious reasons! I came to the realization that there must be many people with the same dilemma. I contacted the management office and proposed an offer to them. I would have a secure storage area built within my business and would sign for, inventory and notify recipients, all for a reasonable service fee of course. More important than the funds received from the condo association, was the exposure from handling packaging for 600 units. Ever since, business is thriving. I've hired employees and pride myself in being a great manager. I focus on leading and motivating people, priceless lessons I learned in the Corps. This contagious attitude keeps a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line
My involvements in life thus far, from serving five years in the Marines, to successfully starting a new business, have provided me with a wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities. Provided the honor, I will passionately engage in my next challenge, to be top business student at Illinois.
