Undergraduate / Help reviewing my main Common App essay [3]

I really like it! The only advice i would give is show a little more and tell a little less. What I mean is use some more descriptive language instead of just telling us exactly what you did. Carry what you did in your first paragraph throughout the whole essay! Goodluck!

Please look at mine too! the thread is called "UIUC Essay #1- Interest in Business from past experiences" Thanks!