Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing - Should children learn science in school? [5]

Hi,
The essay below is one of my practice for the IELTS test. Any suggestions will be welcomed!
Thanks!

Topic: Some people believe that children should learn science in school, others think that it is not necessary to include science in general education. Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Essay:

Historically, education is one of the most important issues that people concerned about. Whether children should learn curriculum about science, however, aroused heated debate recently. In my view, it is obvious that science should be included in common education.

First, we have no reason to drop the science course from all the school which include amount of students who love learning science. It is because that science, I think, is an essential part of fundamental education as well as arts. We should provide opportunities to the students who want to become an engineer, biologist or somebody else rather than only teaching arts in schools. It means that what we really need is an all-rounded education model, meanwhile, we should pay more attention to the personality development.

Moreover, learning science can benefit to the intelligence and logical thinking, which are highly valued in modern society. An interviewee, for instance, would be more competitive than other candidates if he or she harbors a wide range of highly specialized knowledge. We cannot deny that in today's workforce market, students of science and technology are more popular than who graduates from arts, and this is already the mainstream in a wide range of countries.

Although so many benefits I mentioned above, that is not to say that general education should only pay attention to developing science technology teaching. There are, of course, students passionate in arts for its own sake, and we have no reason to force them to learn science and vise versa.

In sum, the most important aim of general education, I think, is to cultivate children's all-rounded abilities and personal traits, which is we should indeed focus on rather than the composition of curriculum.