kristinesg
Nov 20, 2012
Undergraduate / "You can do it" - constructive criticism for my UC personal statement [4]
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Prompt 2:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
This is just my first draft. I was going to say this was for prompt 1, but I'm not sure that I answered it successfully.
He looked at the math problem and immediately a confused expression appeared on his face. His smile shifted to a slight frown, his eyebrows furrowed, and he began to grunt in incomplete sentences his aggravation arising from his inability to solve the simple addition problem. "I can't do it," he said, as he pushed his pencil and paper away and crossed his arms in defiance. "Yes, you can Kristian," I encouraged him, counting seven with my fingers as an example. His eyes divert away and he repeated, "I can't." Those were the two words I hated hearing from my little brother.
I was fully aware of his limited capability; I understood that he had Down syndrome, which hindered his learning pace and abilities. At the age of eleven, he was having difficulty with basic skills acquired by the average seven year old. Still, his words stung and it hurt to hear him already giving up and settling for what he cannot do. It seemed like the phrase, "I can't," was the sentence he allowed himself to live by, using it frequently at the peak of his frustration, when he failed to accomplish simple tasks. He settled with the idea that he was unable to do anything, and this was the attitude I wanted to help him change.
While academics may not be his forte, there are still plenty of things that make my brother special. He's the technology-savvy guy, able to decode any computer or TV problems whenever my mother asked. He is virtually Indiana Jones, successfully navigating through puzzles and adventures in video games. He is a comedic, providing relief in my times of frustration, with his wild dance moves and silly facial expressions. He is a caring person, who loves blindly and unconditionally, never judgmental, but always open to any friendship. He is not a mathematician, but he has plenty of qualities that override what he thinks he cannot do. I yearned to show him this, that despite his mentality, he is capable of so much.
"You can do it," I repeated gently, this time grabbing his favorite Spongebob stickers, which easily caught his attention. I divided the stickers up into two groups of four and three, and I demonstrated how counting them altogether made seven. I repeated the process slowly until finally he placed his hand on mine, signifying for me to stop, and he said, "I'll do it." He repeated the same procedure, and when he was done, a smile stretched across my face, and he smiled too, a big toothy grin showing that knew that he was successful.
Kristian has taught me so much; patience, perseverance, and he is the reason why I have this strong desire to help others . I want to help others realize their potential rather than dwell on what they cannot do. I have this beating desire to make a difference in other people's lives, that doesn't just stop with my brother, but with others in hopes to implicate change with intangible blessings beyond my realization.
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And after reading it, I also feel like this essay doesn't say enough about me. I'm not satisfied with this essay, but please provide as much feedback as you can. Thanks!
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Prompt 2:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
This is just my first draft. I was going to say this was for prompt 1, but I'm not sure that I answered it successfully.
He looked at the math problem and immediately a confused expression appeared on his face. His smile shifted to a slight frown, his eyebrows furrowed, and he began to grunt in incomplete sentences his aggravation arising from his inability to solve the simple addition problem. "I can't do it," he said, as he pushed his pencil and paper away and crossed his arms in defiance. "Yes, you can Kristian," I encouraged him, counting seven with my fingers as an example. His eyes divert away and he repeated, "I can't." Those were the two words I hated hearing from my little brother.
I was fully aware of his limited capability; I understood that he had Down syndrome, which hindered his learning pace and abilities. At the age of eleven, he was having difficulty with basic skills acquired by the average seven year old. Still, his words stung and it hurt to hear him already giving up and settling for what he cannot do. It seemed like the phrase, "I can't," was the sentence he allowed himself to live by, using it frequently at the peak of his frustration, when he failed to accomplish simple tasks. He settled with the idea that he was unable to do anything, and this was the attitude I wanted to help him change.
While academics may not be his forte, there are still plenty of things that make my brother special. He's the technology-savvy guy, able to decode any computer or TV problems whenever my mother asked. He is virtually Indiana Jones, successfully navigating through puzzles and adventures in video games. He is a comedic, providing relief in my times of frustration, with his wild dance moves and silly facial expressions. He is a caring person, who loves blindly and unconditionally, never judgmental, but always open to any friendship. He is not a mathematician, but he has plenty of qualities that override what he thinks he cannot do. I yearned to show him this, that despite his mentality, he is capable of so much.
"You can do it," I repeated gently, this time grabbing his favorite Spongebob stickers, which easily caught his attention. I divided the stickers up into two groups of four and three, and I demonstrated how counting them altogether made seven. I repeated the process slowly until finally he placed his hand on mine, signifying for me to stop, and he said, "I'll do it." He repeated the same procedure, and when he was done, a smile stretched across my face, and he smiled too, a big toothy grin showing that knew that he was successful.
Kristian has taught me so much; patience, perseverance, and he is the reason why I have this strong desire to help others . I want to help others realize their potential rather than dwell on what they cannot do. I have this beating desire to make a difference in other people's lives, that doesn't just stop with my brother, but with others in hopes to implicate change with intangible blessings beyond my realization.
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And after reading it, I also feel like this essay doesn't say enough about me. I'm not satisfied with this essay, but please provide as much feedback as you can. Thanks!
