Undergraduate / Want to play college soccer in California, but living in Massachuse; Occidental Supp [7]

Thanks, Any feedback is much appreciated. The essay is above

Undergraduate / Want to play college soccer in California, but living in Massachuse; Occidental Supp [7]

Thanks for your feedback. And when i said successful, i actually meant unsuccessful. my fault on that.

Undergraduate / Want to play college soccer in California, but living in Massachuse; Occidental Supp [7]

Thanks,here it is
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My dream is to play college soccer in California, but living in Massachusetts, it was a challenge to get coaches who lived over 3,000 miles away to see me play. After sending out numerous emails to coaches out in the west, hoping for at least one reply, I was fairly successful. I knew it was due to my distance, but also with all the talent California produces, they probably didn't see any reason to venture their search anywhere else.

I continued my search for other possibilities, and opportunely, I discovered Occidental College. The school has division 3 soccer team, which will beneficially allow me to compete in a competitive program while maintain a balance with my academic studies. The Occidental community is also enriched in diversity, which is important to me. Growing up in a town where the population is predominately white, I was not able to open my mind to the vast cultures the rest of the world offers. At Occidental, I know I will be able to collaborate with students all coming from different backgrounds. Also, when I put the school on the map, I found out that my aunt in Culver City lives conveniently only 25 minutes away. Having family nearby will be helpful when I need a place to stay during the breaks. Most importantly, I plan on majoring in economics, and after learning about the curriculum and opportunities it offers, I was very intrigued. For example, the Blyth Fund, where students can learn about finance and investment management through managing the school's investment portfolio.

I ultimately decided to email Coach Lafaurie, and within 12 hours, I got a response. He properly introduced himself and recommended me to come to the Oxy soccer camp in the summer, which I later attended. This opportunity Coach Lafaurie presented to me was a true blessing. An opportunity that will not only allow me to fulfill my dream of playing college soccer in California but experience everything I see in my ideal college.