Ruckus
Feb 7, 2013
Undergraduate / The not so straight path - University of Washington - Transfer Personal Statement [4]
Hi yeseniapereyra! Thank you for your feedback. I've made changes you suggested.
I rearranged this. I started off with be stationed onboard the Michigan.
I changed up the wording this one. I mentioned it because I took the class because of material possessions rather than to better myself. Clearly a bad reason to take a class.
I took your advice and reworded parts of it. My drive to take Japanese was to be able to communicate with Japanese people and make me more comfortable when getting away from the Navy base and towards areas where English will be spoken even less.
Fixed this.
I replaced it with the word failure
Did I miss something here?
I changed it up a bit. Still unsure of it though.
I guess the turning point was when my friends questioned my intentions/plans. Any tips on how to emphasize it more?
Thanks again!
Here it is again after the changes:
Every child hears a lecture as to why they should do well in school at some point as they are growing up. Parents always have different reasons why but their intent is the same. They want their child to succeed. I'm sure that many kids would nod in agreement just so that the lecture would be over and not really take it to heart. I was one of those kids. My mother always stressed the importance of doing well in school and, unfortunately, I chose not to heed those words. All I wanted was to enjoy my teenage years hanging out with friends and doing teenager stuff. In the end I somewhat paid the price as I struggled in my senior year just to graduate. With my mother being a full-time homemaker and my grades not being anything that was worth showing off, college was not an option for me. While I think that I would have tried harder, I am quite sure that I would have been quite distracted and I would only have been wasting my parent's money and the teacher's time.
After high school, I did what the only remaining option left for me and that was to enlist in the Navy. I spent a little over ten years in the Navy. Seven of those were spent stationed onboard a nuclear submarine, the USS Michigan SSGN-727, and the last three were spent overseas in the Yokosuka, Japan. It was during my time in the military where I looked into the option of pursuing higher education. While stationed onboard the Michigan, we were always afforded opportunities to pursue higher education and the first time I did was. However, rather than enroll in a class to better myself, I enrolled due the fact that the school provided a free computer. Thinking about it now shows how I was more focused on material things and wasn't quite ready to tackle school head on.It wasn't until I was stationed in Japan when I started to take it a little more seriously. I enrolled in a Japanese class at the University of Maryland University College - Asia because I felt it would help me as I explored/experience Japan and all it had to offer. This helped me immensely because it allowed me to communicate, at a bare minimum, with Japanese locals and I was able to make friends with some who did not speak much English. I felt much more comfortable sightseeing around Tokyo knowing that I would be able to ask someone for some help even if they didn't speak a lot of English. After that first quarter, I thought to myself, "This isn't so bad." A couple of quarters later I took English and Math courses and did well in them. However, that didn't last long because my immature side took over wanting to spend more time partying and hanging out than in school so I didn't take any other classes for the rest of the time I was in the Navy. The Navy was a great experience and over the ten years, while not fully, I felt I had matured. I learned discipline, responsibility, various skills, and realized how quick of a learner I was.
The two years after getting out of the Navy was a rough period. I did not plan well in making the transition from military to civilian life. I tried moving to Japan for three months to try and find work but without higher education it proved difficult. Add the fact that I was looking more to party or hang out and you have a recipe for failure. It wasn't until my friends started truly questioning my intentions that I took a good hard look at myself. After thinking about it, I realized how truly lost I was. I didn't have any real direction as to where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. The next year and a half I spent job-hunting and working as a contractor at Puget Sound Naval Shipyard which only lasted a few months a time. While rough, there were still some good times thrown in there and I don't regret it but it's definitely time that could have been better spent and I could have made better decisions.
The summer of 2011 was when I finally told myself "enough is enough". I have many benefits afforded to me by the Veterans' Association and decided to use them. I started looking into enrolling at Olympic College and getting information about the G.I. Bill and in the fall of 2011 I was back in a classroom. Ever since then I have been taking classes not even taking a break for summer. I have a new drive in me to succeed and I've learned to not let distractions stray me from that path. I've learned to sacrifice personal time to ensure I keep my grades up. I've sacrificed sleep to take a full-time job in Bellevue while still living and taking classes in Bremerton so that when I eventually do make the transition over to the Seattle side, I have something to keep me on my feet. I am currently pursuing a Business Associate in Arts - DTA and looking to transfer to the University of Washington's Foster School of Business and its Information Systems department. Olympic College has been good to me and I feel I have done well but I want to step it up in a new setting. Being the only one out of my siblings actively pursuing a four-year degree, I also want to make my parents proud and to show them that their support, even during my rough patch, wasn't all for naught. I also do it for my friends who have supported me through these years. Most of all, I do it for myself. I know I'm better than what I was before and I want to succeed at one of the top schools in the state of Washington.
Hi yeseniapereyra! Thank you for your feedback. I've made changes you suggested.
We were always afforded opportunities to pursue higher education and the first time I did was while I was still stationed onboard the Michigan
I think you should rewrite that phrase, does not read well
I think you should rewrite that phrase, does not read well
I rearranged this. I started off with be stationed onboard the Michigan.
, I took my first course the wrong reason which was that the school provided a student with a free computer for enrolling. I think you can express this sentence better and i am not sure if you should include it, does not effect the essay if you leave it out since its not something very honorable (i dont mean to be rude)
I changed up the wording this one. I mentioned it because I took the class because of material possessions rather than to better myself. Clearly a bad reason to take a class.
I wanted to immerse myself in Japanese culture so I enrolled in a Japanese class. i dont think immerseis a great word in this case. also what prompted you to want to take specifically Japanese class, what drove you towards it.
I took your advice and reworded parts of it. My drive to take Japanese was to be able to communicate with Japanese people and make me more comfortable when getting away from the Navy base and towards areas where English will be spoken even less.
A couple of quarters later I took English and Math courses and did well in them as well. i would avoid using well twice here
Fixed this.
Add the fact that I was looking more to party or hang out and you have a recipe for unsuccessful. i would replace unsuccessful with failure, or something else, it does not flow
I replaced it with the word failure
The next year and a half I spent job-hunting and working as a contractor at Puget Sound Naval Shipyard which only lasted months at a time
Did I miss something here?
While Olympic College has been good to me, I want to take it up a notch and show myself that I can succeed at a higher level
not sure what you mean...in any case i think you were the one who was good, and since you mastered that field, you are looking for a challenge.
not sure what you mean...in any case i think you were the one who was good, and since you mastered that field, you are looking for a challenge.
I changed it up a bit. Still unsure of it though.
I like your essay, i would emphasize the turning point of your life and how you pull all your resources together to get somewhere in school. expand on the "enough"
I guess the turning point was when my friends questioned my intentions/plans. Any tips on how to emphasize it more?
Thanks again!
Here it is again after the changes:
Every child hears a lecture as to why they should do well in school at some point as they are growing up. Parents always have different reasons why but their intent is the same. They want their child to succeed. I'm sure that many kids would nod in agreement just so that the lecture would be over and not really take it to heart. I was one of those kids. My mother always stressed the importance of doing well in school and, unfortunately, I chose not to heed those words. All I wanted was to enjoy my teenage years hanging out with friends and doing teenager stuff. In the end I somewhat paid the price as I struggled in my senior year just to graduate. With my mother being a full-time homemaker and my grades not being anything that was worth showing off, college was not an option for me. While I think that I would have tried harder, I am quite sure that I would have been quite distracted and I would only have been wasting my parent's money and the teacher's time.
After high school, I did what the only remaining option left for me and that was to enlist in the Navy. I spent a little over ten years in the Navy. Seven of those were spent stationed onboard a nuclear submarine, the USS Michigan SSGN-727, and the last three were spent overseas in the Yokosuka, Japan. It was during my time in the military where I looked into the option of pursuing higher education. While stationed onboard the Michigan, we were always afforded opportunities to pursue higher education and the first time I did was. However, rather than enroll in a class to better myself, I enrolled due the fact that the school provided a free computer. Thinking about it now shows how I was more focused on material things and wasn't quite ready to tackle school head on.It wasn't until I was stationed in Japan when I started to take it a little more seriously. I enrolled in a Japanese class at the University of Maryland University College - Asia because I felt it would help me as I explored/experience Japan and all it had to offer. This helped me immensely because it allowed me to communicate, at a bare minimum, with Japanese locals and I was able to make friends with some who did not speak much English. I felt much more comfortable sightseeing around Tokyo knowing that I would be able to ask someone for some help even if they didn't speak a lot of English. After that first quarter, I thought to myself, "This isn't so bad." A couple of quarters later I took English and Math courses and did well in them. However, that didn't last long because my immature side took over wanting to spend more time partying and hanging out than in school so I didn't take any other classes for the rest of the time I was in the Navy. The Navy was a great experience and over the ten years, while not fully, I felt I had matured. I learned discipline, responsibility, various skills, and realized how quick of a learner I was.
The two years after getting out of the Navy was a rough period. I did not plan well in making the transition from military to civilian life. I tried moving to Japan for three months to try and find work but without higher education it proved difficult. Add the fact that I was looking more to party or hang out and you have a recipe for failure. It wasn't until my friends started truly questioning my intentions that I took a good hard look at myself. After thinking about it, I realized how truly lost I was. I didn't have any real direction as to where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do. The next year and a half I spent job-hunting and working as a contractor at Puget Sound Naval Shipyard which only lasted a few months a time. While rough, there were still some good times thrown in there and I don't regret it but it's definitely time that could have been better spent and I could have made better decisions.
The summer of 2011 was when I finally told myself "enough is enough". I have many benefits afforded to me by the Veterans' Association and decided to use them. I started looking into enrolling at Olympic College and getting information about the G.I. Bill and in the fall of 2011 I was back in a classroom. Ever since then I have been taking classes not even taking a break for summer. I have a new drive in me to succeed and I've learned to not let distractions stray me from that path. I've learned to sacrifice personal time to ensure I keep my grades up. I've sacrificed sleep to take a full-time job in Bellevue while still living and taking classes in Bremerton so that when I eventually do make the transition over to the Seattle side, I have something to keep me on my feet. I am currently pursuing a Business Associate in Arts - DTA and looking to transfer to the University of Washington's Foster School of Business and its Information Systems department. Olympic College has been good to me and I feel I have done well but I want to step it up in a new setting. Being the only one out of my siblings actively pursuing a four-year degree, I also want to make my parents proud and to show them that their support, even during my rough patch, wasn't all for naught. I also do it for my friends who have supported me through these years. Most of all, I do it for myself. I know I'm better than what I was before and I want to succeed at one of the top schools in the state of Washington.