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Posts by davidmax
Joined: May 12, 2013
Last Post: May 14, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 4
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davidmax   
May 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Criticism of Modern Primary Education System [6]

true longing to be fed knowledge

it reads better as true longing for knowledge.

However dissettling,

it should be "unsettling"

the student inhabitants

Just students sounds better.

The integrity of intentional learning to greater ourselves

i think you mean "better" ourselves
davidmax   
May 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Criticism of Modern Primary Education System [6]

hardly acknoledge to exist.

get rid of the "to" and write exists- a system they hardly acknowledge exists

Your own ideas have eroded to be shaped to those of our peers while theirs' to yours.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say here , "to" those of your peers or "like"?
davidmax   
May 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Budding into the conversation at the dinner table changed my life; PERSONAL NARRATIVE [3]

There are some questionable word choices in your essay.

As the plane ensued take off

here "ensued" reads awkward. you could just simply say as the plane took off. ensued means -to Happen or occur afterward or as a result.

other awkward word choices i noticed:

and it also set the grounds for the best time of my existence.

Here you should simply say Life instead of existance

Darkness crept into the church as the loud, smothering voices of fellow YG'ers soon came to a silence as Jonah's voice became predominant amongst the others

I think there should be a comma and an "and" before "as johah's" since you already wrote "as the loud

My decision in budding into the conversation at the dinner table

Here it should be "of" instead of "in"

When we finally arrived at the sleeping quarters, we branched out into our specific teams for dinner.

this might seem picky but i think it reads better if you say "Our sleeping quarters" and then "branched out into specific teams" instead of "our specific"

Hope this helps.
davidmax   
May 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Music has had a great effect on my world;CSU/ Book, song,movie that changed your life [3]

Prompt: Identify a book, song, or movie that changed your life; what was the nature of the impact it has had on you and how does it inform who you are today? How might it shape who you will be at Colorado State University?

* I think my issue is mostly with grammar, although looking back on it today i think some of the content is questionable as a personal statement. also it seems kid of pretentious, i don't know please help.

Growing up in south Florida as an immigrant living among immigrants, I never gave traditional American culture much of a chance. With so many contrasting values and customs struggling to influence my identity, I unconsciously relegated the intrusive culture to the back of my mind. This fragmented part of an immigrant's identity is developed in the academic setting, but to what extent really depends on the student. I spent four long years in ESOL classes, never really practiced speaking my English, and grew more and more distant from my fellow classmates. In short, like many young immigrants brought to this country against their will, I was resentful. After four years, mostly through reading and writing, I finally felt comfortable with the language. However, the bigger picture of America, beyond the English language, the usual history, and present pop culture, truly eluded me. Up until this point my assimilation into American culture was proving unsuccessful.

In the sociology and literature courses I have taken at Miami Dade College I have learned that a catalyst usually comes along to help facilitate an immigrant's cultural assimilation. It may come in the form of a concerned teacher, or an English speaking friend, anything that gives(haven't come up with sentence). I never made friend with native speakers, and my teachers never showed much interest, but I can remember the exact moment I found my catalyst.

His words were fittingly rid of music, just one astonishingly long verse on a projector screen. My young ninth grade teacher had the notion that it was an old 19th century poem, and wanted the class to dissect the first stanza -- an exercise in symbolism. Impressed, I did some research when I got home later that day, asking Jeeves about those mysterious "Arabian drums," and discovering that, in fact, it was not a 19th century poem, but an epic, otherworldly song called "Sad- eyed lady of the lowlands," written by, evidently, the greatest songwriter in musical history. Not only did I, like millions of Dylan fans before me, take up the guitar as a result, but through his music and words, and those of the likes of Paul Simon, Hank Williams, and Tom Waits, my perception of America completely changed. Any misguided resistance to assimilation that I might have assumed as a young immigrant yielded, and English finally won the struggle against Spanish for my mind.

The interest for American culture that this instigated led me to my chosen career path. From Mr. Zimmerman I learned about Jack Kerouac and On the Road. Through Jack I discovered Burroughs and Ginsberg, Ginsberg led to Whitman, and so on. This eleven minute song sparked in me a love for literature that has led me to pursue a major in English literature.

My wish to study in Fort Collins is essentially fueled by my need to finally see the America I've read about. It may be overly sentimental and somewhat naive, but from what I've heard Fort Collins might be a great place to begin this pilgrimage. This shouldn't suggest that I don't have a plan; I enjoy my major, and the workload that comes with it.