bhoptl
Apr 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / Definition Essay: Building the Blocks, Becoming Successful (The Climb) [3]
Hi,
I wrote a definition essay for English comp I, and I need some help on pointing out some weaknesses of the essay and off topic sentence(s). I know there are a lot of grammatical mistakes in this essay, so if a sentence does not make sense, plz point it out.
Building the Blocks (The Climb)
Success derives from a Latin word successus, a past participle of succēdere, to succeed. Throughout our lives, we all work in order to someday have a job, family and be successful in life. However, what truly defines the meaning of success? One meaning of success is the process of doing a task and receiving a positive result acceptable amongst the community. Although one can be successful by accomplishing his or her goals, true success is attained through being organized, enthusiastic, determined, and while not being selfish.
Being organized and preparing for a future event leads toward a success. A person can achieve his or her goal by studying for an exam from the day instructor introduces new topic, and that can leads to an A on the exam. A personal example would be, when I took AP Calculus AB in my high school, a group of friends made sure to get together at least once a week in the library and study for the upcoming AP exam. We started studying approximately two months before the day of exam. There were seven chapters which we had to cover in two months, during the first week, we covered chapter one and two, since they were introduction to fundamental calculus. Then we covered one chapter a week, every week. At the end of every week, we would have done almost every problem from the book and review them before we move on to the next chapter. Two weeks before the exam day, we reviewed all seven chapters and do some extra problems from past AP calculus exams. Our organized strategy and preparedness lead us to do well on the AP exam. Most of us in the group managed to get a three and above on the AP Calculus AB exam.
Having enough enthusiasm and willpower will drive a person to success. If a student doesn't have enthusiasm and willpower to do a project on plants for Biology, He or she might end up not doing as well on the project. However, if the student is enthusiastic while working on the project and researches on how plant functions, the student have higher chances of doing well on the project. During the fall semester, we had a group project in Computer Applications in Enineering, and the project was about building a sharpner in a software. It was the biggest chalange for our group in the class since we couldn't do mesurements for some gears. As the due date was approching close, we begin to question ourself on whether we can finish the project. During the last two week, we stayed after school hoping to find a way to take the measurements of some gears. As we continued to find a solution for the problem, our enthusiasm and willpower begin to deteriate. In the end, we managed to finish the project, but the model we drew in the software was not very accurate and we end up receving a B for the project.
Success does not necessarily means when a person gets high order job because of a relative or a friend. For anyone to have success, they must fight and strive for it. If a person becomes COE of a company by works hard, stay on the line and is determined will have success, compare to a person becomes instant CEO of the company because the person's friend gave him the job. There must be a desire for improvement and a commitment to achieve success. It cannot be handed out or paid for. After many years of long hours studying, hard labor and countless hours of our time, success may eventually be reached. My cousin, Om, went to a community college, because of the pressure he was receiving from his family. At first, he didn't know what to major in, but after having an epiphany, he set out his goal to become a chemical engineer. After three years of taking advance mathematics and science courses and having enough determination, he transferred to UMass Amherst and got his degree in Chemical Engineering from College of Engineering.
The true definition of success is defined in Michael Jordan, who won championship after championship by making others around him better. He was not only the superstar of the Chicago Bulls but also the leader. His teammates trusted with the ball and knew that he would make the right decision. Jordan has not only put himself in the basketball hall of fame but also his teammates as well. Players like Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman owe their booming basketball career to Jordan. Jordan's unselfish attitude on and off the court made everyone around him winners as well. It is apparent that Jordan characterizes success. His selfless character made the Chicago Bulls a true team, hence winning them many championships. Jordan truly embodied success during his basketball career, unlike Kobe and Owens.
Today's society prefers to take the easy way while thinking of becoming successful, but achieving these goals without showing the need for it is not success. However, Being prepared while havining enough willpower and determination can ultimatly leads toward success.
thank you,
Bho
Hi,
I wrote a definition essay for English comp I, and I need some help on pointing out some weaknesses of the essay and off topic sentence(s). I know there are a lot of grammatical mistakes in this essay, so if a sentence does not make sense, plz point it out.
Building the Blocks (The Climb)
Success derives from a Latin word successus, a past participle of succēdere, to succeed. Throughout our lives, we all work in order to someday have a job, family and be successful in life. However, what truly defines the meaning of success? One meaning of success is the process of doing a task and receiving a positive result acceptable amongst the community. Although one can be successful by accomplishing his or her goals, true success is attained through being organized, enthusiastic, determined, and while not being selfish.
Being organized and preparing for a future event leads toward a success. A person can achieve his or her goal by studying for an exam from the day instructor introduces new topic, and that can leads to an A on the exam. A personal example would be, when I took AP Calculus AB in my high school, a group of friends made sure to get together at least once a week in the library and study for the upcoming AP exam. We started studying approximately two months before the day of exam. There were seven chapters which we had to cover in two months, during the first week, we covered chapter one and two, since they were introduction to fundamental calculus. Then we covered one chapter a week, every week. At the end of every week, we would have done almost every problem from the book and review them before we move on to the next chapter. Two weeks before the exam day, we reviewed all seven chapters and do some extra problems from past AP calculus exams. Our organized strategy and preparedness lead us to do well on the AP exam. Most of us in the group managed to get a three and above on the AP Calculus AB exam.
Having enough enthusiasm and willpower will drive a person to success. If a student doesn't have enthusiasm and willpower to do a project on plants for Biology, He or she might end up not doing as well on the project. However, if the student is enthusiastic while working on the project and researches on how plant functions, the student have higher chances of doing well on the project. During the fall semester, we had a group project in Computer Applications in Enineering, and the project was about building a sharpner in a software. It was the biggest chalange for our group in the class since we couldn't do mesurements for some gears. As the due date was approching close, we begin to question ourself on whether we can finish the project. During the last two week, we stayed after school hoping to find a way to take the measurements of some gears. As we continued to find a solution for the problem, our enthusiasm and willpower begin to deteriate. In the end, we managed to finish the project, but the model we drew in the software was not very accurate and we end up receving a B for the project.
Success does not necessarily means when a person gets high order job because of a relative or a friend. For anyone to have success, they must fight and strive for it. If a person becomes COE of a company by works hard, stay on the line and is determined will have success, compare to a person becomes instant CEO of the company because the person's friend gave him the job. There must be a desire for improvement and a commitment to achieve success. It cannot be handed out or paid for. After many years of long hours studying, hard labor and countless hours of our time, success may eventually be reached. My cousin, Om, went to a community college, because of the pressure he was receiving from his family. At first, he didn't know what to major in, but after having an epiphany, he set out his goal to become a chemical engineer. After three years of taking advance mathematics and science courses and having enough determination, he transferred to UMass Amherst and got his degree in Chemical Engineering from College of Engineering.
The true definition of success is defined in Michael Jordan, who won championship after championship by making others around him better. He was not only the superstar of the Chicago Bulls but also the leader. His teammates trusted with the ball and knew that he would make the right decision. Jordan has not only put himself in the basketball hall of fame but also his teammates as well. Players like Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman owe their booming basketball career to Jordan. Jordan's unselfish attitude on and off the court made everyone around him winners as well. It is apparent that Jordan characterizes success. His selfless character made the Chicago Bulls a true team, hence winning them many championships. Jordan truly embodied success during his basketball career, unlike Kobe and Owens.
Today's society prefers to take the easy way while thinking of becoming successful, but achieving these goals without showing the need for it is not success. However, Being prepared while havining enough willpower and determination can ultimatly leads toward success.
thank you,
Bho
