Undergraduate / The first day I came to New Zealand - UC Personal Statement [16]

Hello Ben,

I only read the first essay. I think the essay shows how multifaceted you are, it pinpoints your maturity and awareness. I believe you made a good choice of topic because it shows how committed you are to pursuing multiple passions with motivation. It shows how aware you are of the factors that shaped your personality and tendencies. Overall, I'd say good job.

Please take a look at mine and tell me your opinion frankly. Look at the revised version not the first one please. I should be submitting it in three days.

Undergraduate / Realization, tumultuous times and redemption; Central to my identity [2]

Hey Ralph,

Your essay shows how you came to figure out your identity and it marks a transition to a more mature you. But honestly the it is kind of vague, my mind kept stumbling among ideas as you talked about many things throughout your essay, until you finally mentioned that you are gay only then did I understand that are are referring to. So in my opinion to put an end to this ambiguity mention at the beginning that you are gay, picture this in a way that you were in a battle with yourself, struggling against the confinements of the society and religion. In this line


I assume you are "the fake one"? If so it is not quite clear, so illustrate that this is you. Also, how were you playing with their lives? Only by lying to them? You need to explain that. You do not want the admissions officer who has hundreds of essays to read to be so bored reading your essay and find it hard to interpret what you refer to. You sound mature through this essay because you can successfully reflect on situations in your life and interpret the lessons you learned, this is very good but you just need to be clearer. You might want to include more lessons or aspects of your change, any outstanding situations or a moment you felt that you ought to stop resisting who you are and accept your reality.

Good luck and thanks for your comments, I will soon upload two revisions and I am looking forward to knowing your opinion.

Undergraduate / The Princess Problem / Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea [3]

Hello Mina,

I like the idea of your essay, it is actually quite similar to mine haha. Your essay shows a lot about you as a person, how you do not like to merely accept an unjust or a wrong situation, how realized the importance of being yourself and how you have the courage to go against the crowd for an ethical purpose or for something you believe in. Here: "I was done following the status-quo and, idealistically" I believe you should change idealistically because it sounds haughty. From what I gathered your invisibility was during the time prior to joining the "popular" kids, if so how did you welcome your invisibility as a freshman? Explain that more, I believe this sentence is not clear. I believe you should change "the sweet feeling of being" to another syntax, one more captivating and expressive of more emotions or lessons you learned. You can say that the small society at your school taught you how to find your place or manage outside in the big and open society of life, since you discovered what you want for yourself you will not have to stumble among attractive ideas or so. The last sentence of your conclusion is not a good addition, in my opinion. Talk more about how that made you feel and the lessons you learnt, I liked that you mentioned your insecurities, you could say that this experience was like the beginning of the thread that will enable you to recover from more insecurities.

I like the link you give between your childhood and how you were like in high school but I feel that something is missing here. You did not mention what made you realize "what an asset my chameleon blending capabilities were", you just jumped to the next chapter without casting any light on whatever got you to think so. Overall, the essay is well developed and it shows what an incredible difference you made by writing in the newspaper. A tip I learned would be to put away your essay, for a week or so, and take a look on it again. This way you will see it with a more critical and objective eye. Good luck and please take a look on my last two essays.

Undergraduate / One Foot in Front of the Other (COMMON APP ESSAY) [2]

Hello,

Good choice of subject, you developed it well. Also good that you used much of the space you are allowed because it is important to let the admissions officer know as much as possible about you. The last sentence of your last paragraph is very good, except that you should change "overcome any challenge or obstacle" to overcome challenges or obstacles, this is to sound less haughty. The sentence before the last one in the last paragraph does not make sense, because you were already doing good at your exams so how does climbing the mount signify that you will be able to pass your exam? Honestly I think it is not a good addition. Try thinking more if you have time, to add another significant lesson you learned thanks to this experience, for example how you may have liked bonding with nature or something you learned from the strong genteel stranger who carried your bag or that you plan to do more activities like that one. If possible put the essay away for a while, the duration depends on how much time you have until you submit the app, and take a look on it again. This will enable you to look at the essay with a more critical and objective eye.

You mentioned "the experience was arduous and painstaking", how can an experience be painstaking? You might want to say that it drained you off, honestly I am not a native speaker but I do not think it is right to describe an experience as painstaking. I believe you should change "I felt unstoppable" to that you felt enthusiastic and had pride in yourself for accomplishing this feat, that you liked this feeling and would like to feel it more often perhaps. You could say that someday you might even be in the place of the stranger who carried your bag. You might also want to explain what it means to put one foot in front of the other, does that mean you should be organized or carry out a job carefully step by step, I believe it is not quite clear what that sentence mean.

Overall, I think it is a good essay and it says a lot about you, that you are a persistent and determined person. Good luck and please take a look on my two essays that I will upload tonight.

Undergraduate / Failure taught me how to succeed; " A time when you have experienced failure" [3]

Hello,

It is good that you used a lot of the capacity you are allowed, the first thing I did after reading you essay was that I checked how many words you used. Because my adviser told me before that it is important to use as much space as you can to let the admissions officer know about you. Good choice of subject because obviously the cheerleaders team meant a lot to you and the way you tell the story says a lot about you as a person. It reflects how sensible you are that you used this setback to learn a lesson in life rather than wallow in your misery. It also shows that you are a mature person in the same sense. The last two lines of your conclusion are very good. I believe your essay is not rocky as you doubt. I think you described the moment well.

You mentioned " the decisions I make throughout the college experience", I just do not understand how it the lessons you learn help ONLY in your college experience? You might want to change that to "my life", because college is just a part of your life. Also the sentence that starts with "being successful even in a sport" although might be right it does not make sense how you learnt that as a result of your experience so I believe you need to cast more light on that part, discuss how it is relevant to your failure. Finally you said : "During that tryout...", I believe you should change that to "Thanks to that tryout" because learning did not really happen during the tryout.

Other than that it is a good essay, a tip I learned would be put it away for a while, a week for example, and take a look on it again. It will be like you're viewing it for the first time, with a more critical and objective eye, in case there is something you want to add, omit or change. Good luck and please check my two essays that I will upload tonight.