savino76
Sep 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / Waving thoughts; Narrative Essay (Revising and correcting) [4]
I did what I could to break up your long fragments. It has emotion in it, but could use more emotional adjectives. Some parts are too convoluted to tell what you mean, so I left those alone.
Water, as plain and dull as it may seem, it has worlds submerged deeply into the darkness. I stare into its infinite motion and changing shape, the breeze hits my body kindly, the soft heat of the sun shines through my skin and I enjoy the calm and solitude of the beach.
Or that's what I want to think.
I think about that day, and those other days, and many more, and I keep thinking - trying to take away the thoughts themselves, because they haunt me and they won't leave me alone.
The days were not much different from each other, surrounded by grey walls and a lack of windows, my hands clinging tight to bars, screaming for chances.
Were my memories not punishment enough? I guess they were not, yet for me they would have been; even more than what I would ever be able to handle, I wouldn't need to spend 20 years to realize the damage one can cause, the single haunting thought was sufficient to create nightmares, even with sunlight and solitude, and a beautiful beach. -- might want to make your point more clear here, don't really know what you mean
The thoughts don't leave. My memories haven't faded even after twenty years. Each day they were plunging deep into my mind, and my soul. It was one of those days when the weather decides to be your best friend. I was young and wanted to have fun, just as any other teenager. I didn't realize that you are not the only one in danger when you cannot think clearly, or at all. The music was loud, and the thirstiness was fading away with every sip of alcohol and pineapple water. It was incredible, surrounded by that many people and dancing like it was no other day, it's funny, perhaps there wasn't. -- What wasn't????
I did what I could to break up your long fragments. It has emotion in it, but could use more emotional adjectives. Some parts are too convoluted to tell what you mean, so I left those alone.
Water, as plain and dull as it may seem, it has worlds submerged deeply into the darkness. I stare into its infinite motion and changing shape, the breeze hits my body kindly, the soft heat of the sun shines through my skin and I enjoy the calm and solitude of the beach.
Or that's what I want to think.
I think about that day, and those other days, and many more, and I keep thinking - trying to take away the thoughts themselves, because they haunt me and they won't leave me alone.
The days were not much different from each other, surrounded by grey walls and a lack of windows, my hands clinging tight to bars, screaming for chances.
Were my memories not punishment enough? I guess they were not, yet for me they would have been; even more than what I would ever be able to handle, I wouldn't need to spend 20 years to realize the damage one can cause, the single haunting thought was sufficient to create nightmares, even with sunlight and solitude, and a beautiful beach. -- might want to make your point more clear here, don't really know what you mean
The thoughts don't leave. My memories haven't faded even after twenty years. Each day they were plunging deep into my mind, and my soul. It was one of those days when the weather decides to be your best friend. I was young and wanted to have fun, just as any other teenager. I didn't realize that you are not the only one in danger when you cannot think clearly, or at all. The music was loud, and the thirstiness was fading away with every sip of alcohol and pineapple water. It was incredible, surrounded by that many people and dancing like it was no other day, it's funny, perhaps there wasn't. -- What wasn't????
