n_d
Nov 30, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Life in a different world' - Benefiting and Contributing:Rutgers [2]
Hello Melonsv! I'll just try to tell my own thoughts. The prompt is asking you to write an essay closely related to Rutgers, but I don't actually see much about Rutgers in your essay. You addressed Rutgers in four paragraphs, but not anything special and specific about it. The last part is a bit too generic and empty. Secondly, you spent a lot of time talking about your experiences after moving to the US, but I haven't really obtained much useful information about you after reading this essay. I think your essay needs a lot of specifc details.
Therefore, I suggest that you drop all unnecessary sentences that don't really tell much about you, like the first two paragraphs for example. I see that you are an immigrant to the US who had some troubles getting used to the environment, and you should use specific examples to illustrate that, like what exactly is different between the new culture and your old culture. Also, address the specific "advantages", "chances" and "opportunities" that are offered to you instead of simply stating it. The word "diversity" isn't enough. You put your own thoughts into the second part of the essay, which is good but still not solid enough. The only things specific are the organizations that you have joined, and you can elaborate on any particular one to make it more personal and unique. As for relating it to Rutgers, you need to do more research and find specific characteristics or programs of Rutgers that really attracts you and will benefit you. BTW a useful trick to check that is to change the name "Rutgers" to any other college name and if the essay is still intelligible, oops. Finally, try to connect your personal experiences to the university by talking about what specific qualities of you make you (and not any one else) a good fit for the university.
And some minor changes:
From my point of view, the upcoming generation is very circumscribed in terms of what is provided to them,
The current education system and society do not force a person to be diverse and look for more, when one's current life is sufficient,
Since you still have roughly 1000 characters left, there is still plenty room for further elaborations. Just put in some concrete examples and details that are unique to you, and I'm sure it won't be sloppy. Maybe I'm being to critical, but I'm just trying to be as honest as I can. You must be a person with lots of interesting stories to tell, so please just go ahead and tell them in your voice. Best luck to you!
Hello Melonsv! I'll just try to tell my own thoughts. The prompt is asking you to write an essay closely related to Rutgers, but I don't actually see much about Rutgers in your essay. You addressed Rutgers in four paragraphs, but not anything special and specific about it. The last part is a bit too generic and empty. Secondly, you spent a lot of time talking about your experiences after moving to the US, but I haven't really obtained much useful information about you after reading this essay. I think your essay needs a lot of specifc details.
Therefore, I suggest that you drop all unnecessary sentences that don't really tell much about you, like the first two paragraphs for example. I see that you are an immigrant to the US who had some troubles getting used to the environment, and you should use specific examples to illustrate that, like what exactly is different between the new culture and your old culture. Also, address the specific "advantages", "chances" and "opportunities" that are offered to you instead of simply stating it. The word "diversity" isn't enough. You put your own thoughts into the second part of the essay, which is good but still not solid enough. The only things specific are the organizations that you have joined, and you can elaborate on any particular one to make it more personal and unique. As for relating it to Rutgers, you need to do more research and find specific characteristics or programs of Rutgers that really attracts you and will benefit you. BTW a useful trick to check that is to change the name "Rutgers" to any other college name and if the essay is still intelligible, oops. Finally, try to connect your personal experiences to the university by talking about what specific qualities of you make you (and not any one else) a good fit for the university.
And some minor changes:
From my point of view the upcoming generation is very circumscribed in terms of what is provided to them,
From my point of view, the upcoming generation is very circumscribed in terms of what is provided to them,
The current education system and society does not force a person to be diverse and look for more
The current education system and society do not force a person to be diverse and look for more, when one's current life is sufficient,
Since you still have roughly 1000 characters left, there is still plenty room for further elaborations. Just put in some concrete examples and details that are unique to you, and I'm sure it won't be sloppy. Maybe I'm being to critical, but I'm just trying to be as honest as I can. You must be a person with lots of interesting stories to tell, so please just go ahead and tell them in your voice. Best luck to you!
