Posts by alifromboston

alifromboston

Dec 19, 2013

Undergraduate / My mother never returned; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [5]

I like it a lot in general, just a few notes.

I believe it should be "pervaded by" not "pervaded with."
Also, "not in a long time" should be "not for a long time"

A few taste things: I'd get rid of the word "bad" in "I had a bad premonition." I don't think it's a strong word, the point comes across in the next clause, and it could imply that the prediction was wrong rather than ominous. (Or you could replace it with the word ominous if you want an adjective there)

I think "she provided our family" would be better than "she provided my family with."

And "I never want to" rather than "never do I want to"

One general thing -- I kind of got the impression that you wrote it and then sat down with a thesaurus to swap out a few words. I think it's better to use simpler language and have it be consistent than to have the reader get that impression (whether it's true or not). Examples of this: uncognizant (actually noncognizant is the opposite of cognizant), recuperated even (it's not that complicated of a word, but it sounds a bit funny in the context in which it's used), etc.

Hope this helps. I really like it! Also, I'm really sorry about your mom, must've been tough.

alifromboston

Dec 19, 2013

Undergraduate / I was obsessed with the Little Mermaid's Ariel ; Why Wellesley? - THE CAMPUS [2]

I'm worried this might be too over the top (though I believe all parts of it too be true). Any help is welcome!

When choosing a college community, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. We know that there are more than 100 reasons to choose Wellesley, but it's a good place to start. Visit the Wellesley 100 (wellesley.edu/admission/100) and select one or two items that attract, inspire, or energize you. Have fun with this and use this opportunity to reflect personally on what items appeal to you most and why.

I picked "the campus" and "the pluralistic, polyphonic, unclassifiable mass of humanity that is our student body."
Here it is:

I was obsessed with the Little Mermaid's Ariel for years when I was little. I eventually moved on (but stuck to characters with hair as fiery as mine) to Jane and the Dragon's protagonist who, while she was an aspiring knight rather than a princess, also lived in a castle. So, you can imagine my awe when my first mom took me to where she lived while at Wellesley. It's impossible not to feel inspired when wandering around Wellesley's campus. The lush green and beautiful buildings made me want to sit under a tree and draw, write about it, or engineer something to add to it. It would be amazing to progress past the occasional visit to being able to call this oasis of academia my home.

Wellesley's physical environment is what first drew me, but even more important and impressive is its intellectual environment. I love finding smart people who challenge me and at Wellesley I know they'll surround me. I believe that in all fields the key to progress and growth is spirited but respectful debate. With students from so many walks of life, religions, ethnicities, and countries, there are bound to be a plethora of conflicting views. This may in some instances lead to unwelcoming and polarizing tension, but I believe Wellesley avoids this by knowing all ensuring all its students arrive with an open mind, ready to participate in this cultural exchange and conversation, excited to try and love their roommate's "unfamiliar foods." Everyone at Wellesley shares one major goal - to make the most of its amazing academic opportunities, rich cultural diversity, and by surrounded by smart, motivated, and friendly women who want to do the same. I want to go to Wellesley because spending the next four years working towards that goal alongside others doing the same, all the while having fun and making lasting friends, sounds like paradise.