SengeDolma
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / "I want a vanilla dipped waffle-cone with extra rainbow sprinkles"; GMU Essay [5]
Your last sentence gets the point across, but you repeat and undersell yourself: " While I am positive that my leadership abilities will help me to become successful when I am faced with obstacles at George Mason University, my leadership abilities will become most useful when I am helping other students at Mason."
could be pared down to "This situation gives me confidence that I will not only be able to support myself, but also bring my leadership to other students at Mason.
Otherwise I think it's a great essay! Would you mind reading mine? Essayforum was being frustrating so I posted a new version on my blog. I can't embed a link, but if you go to sengedolma_blogspot_com it's the first post. (be sure to replace the underscores with periods!)
Either way, good luck!
Your last sentence gets the point across, but you repeat and undersell yourself: " While I am positive that my leadership abilities will help me to become successful when I am faced with obstacles at George Mason University, my leadership abilities will become most useful when I am helping other students at Mason."
could be pared down to "This situation gives me confidence that I will not only be able to support myself, but also bring my leadership to other students at Mason.
Otherwise I think it's a great essay! Would you mind reading mine? Essayforum was being frustrating so I posted a new version on my blog. I can't embed a link, but if you go to sengedolma_blogspot_com it's the first post. (be sure to replace the underscores with periods!)
Either way, good luck!