Unanswered [10] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by SengeDolma
Name: Emily R Coffee
Joined: Dec 27, 2013
Last Post: Dec 28, 2013
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  

From: United States of America
School: n/a

Displayed posts: 4
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SengeDolma   
Dec 28, 2013
Undergraduate / "I want a vanilla dipped waffle-cone with extra rainbow sprinkles"; GMU Essay [5]

Your last sentence gets the point across, but you repeat and undersell yourself: " While I am positive that my leadership abilities will help me to become successful when I am faced with obstacles at George Mason University, my leadership abilities will become most useful when I am helping other students at Mason."

could be pared down to "This situation gives me confidence that I will not only be able to support myself, but also bring my leadership to other students at Mason.

Otherwise I think it's a great essay! Would you mind reading mine? Essayforum was being frustrating so I posted a new version on my blog. I can't embed a link, but if you go to sengedolma_blogspot_com it's the first post. (be sure to replace the underscores with periods!)

Either way, good luck!
SengeDolma   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "In the Minority" essay for Eugene Lang via the Common App--feedback requested! [3]

In The Minority - Tell us about a time you were in the minority. 500 word limit.

I'm everything but a majority. For as long as I can remember, adults have labeled me "unique" and "advanced" and "extraordinary." This year, they diagnosed me with a unique, advanced, extraordinary connective tissue disorder. They believe I've had it all my life. Until recently, I believed it was getting worse.

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hypermobility Type (EDS-HT) does more that weaken my joints. My nervous system remains on constant alert, finding danger in even my mother's touch. My eyesight--though medically a perfect 20/20--is a strain to maintain. When I pick up a child or brush my hair, my shoulders "subluxate" or slip out of socket. Though many of these things have been present throughout my life, some of my symptoms only developed this year. Episodes of uncontrollable shaking and screaming accompanied by feelings of being on fire pushed me to devote my gap year to solving a life-long disruption in my identity. When I did so, they found EDS-HT.

Perhaps my body-mind has always known of this disturbance; residing in my youth was a sense of wrong so inherent I thought everybody had it. It lived in my muscles and my emotions, coloring my childhood a shade no one else recognized. Running felt wrong, hugging felt wrong, and being told that I was okay definitely felt wrong. Playing felt most wrong of all.

A wise woman once noted that we hate in others what we fear in ourselves. This is the only explanation I've ever found for the rage I encounter when I tell people I'm in pain. Universal suffering is perhaps the most difficult notion to reconcile in our individualist society. When people see their strife reflected in me, it scares them. In a great disabling paradox, I am isolated by accepting the ubiquity of pain.

This year, when I discovered that I'd have to face my disability or face arthritis that could put me in a wheelchair before I was 20, I chose to face my disability. Due to the rarity of the condition, I've had to patchwork together a group of specialists from the great grey areas of Western medicine. Even the doctors that diagnosed me didn't understand the scope of the condition, and trust me, no ER doctor likes hearing that I can't take any non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs-no, not even Aspirin. I comb medical papers for tools to advocate for myself in what is often a hostile, undereducated medical environment. Even my treatment plan places me on the fringes of Western medicine. Perhaps I am meant to function in that capacity, for I find myself shifting into a different sort of minority: I am one of the only ones getting better. For the first time in my memory, I can play.

Words: 456 of 500 limit
SengeDolma   
Dec 27, 2013
Undergraduate / "I want a vanilla dipped waffle-cone with extra rainbow sprinkles"; GMU Essay [5]

This, as a narrative, is really well written! Your closing paragraph has a change in tone that makes it evident that you have dropped out of your original format; I like how clear that is.

A couple of notes: especially in the first few paragraphs, you use a huge number of adverbs ("graciously" "gradually" "anxiously" "fairly") my advice would be to use the find tool (usually ctrl or cmd + f in most writing softwares) and search for all the instances of "ly." You certainly don't have to remove them all, but I recommend reworking a few of the sentences to describe the situation without the use of "ly" adverbs. However, I do like the tone I get for you as an employee so--especially in the instance of "graciously"--try to maintain some description of your demeanor.

A nitpicky complaint of mine has to do with repetition in the first few paragraphs. Once you've introduced the young girl, you don't need to re-state her identity when she speaks for the first time. I think it would flow more smoothly as "...sprinkles, please!' she exclaimed."

As far as content, it would help me to understand that Jake isn't your superior when you first introduce him. His concern makes it sound as though he is your senior, if not your boss (the word "co-worker" isn't punchy enough. Maybe he is your /new/ co-worker?) Furthermore, some description of the time of day or setting early on in the essay would be helpful--finding out that it was nighttime midway through the essay sort of threw me off.

"We had ran" should be "we had run" because it's in the pluperfect tense.
When I got into your comma usage in "The next day when the manager Chris heard about the incident, he yelled at Jake, ..." I found myself stuck between a comma splice and an em-dash. I think it would be most succinct if you were to remove "The next day..." altogether and begin with "When the manager..."

"I worked extra tedious hours" this set of adjectives confused me a bit: were the hours extra-tedious, or did you work extra hours that happened to be tedious? However, I do love this section! It presents a good example of your leadership.

Finally, I am not totally certain that this essay answers what you could provide to the community--certainly it confirms that you can face your own struggles, but I recommend emphasizing that you feel capable of helping other students at Mason as well. That last summary paragraph is a perfect place to do that.

Overall this essay is solid :) the more nitpicky my comments are, the better the overall essay is! Good job and good luck.
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