Writing Feedback / IELTS: Government's financial support for elderly people [5]

Essay Question: The government should not provide financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement. Do you agree or disagree?

Hi all, here is an essay I practised. I normally can only get 6.5 for my writing but I need 7 out of it. So please give me whatever advice which can improve my score. Thanks heaps!

----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------- -
Pension, which is paid by the government, is designed as one of the social welfares to support retired people given that they no longer have the source of income from the workplace. However, as the issue of aging society becomes more severe, it has become such a heavy burden for the government to ensure the sufficiency of the pension fund to finance every elderly people. As a result, it is advised by some people that each person should be responsible for their own retirement instead of the government. There are three main reasons for me to agree with this point of view.

Firstly, the alternative to pension fund already exists, which is known as the superannuation. In many countries such as Australia, the contribution to the superannuation fund from the salary for future use after the retirement has been compulsory under legislation. It is therefore funded by employees rather than the government. Secondly, the need to bear the burden of post-retirement life support can help foster a good habit of having regular savings. Instead of living from pay check to pay check, having certain savings can not only be extremely helpful in the case of emergency but also increases the sense of responsibility. Thirdly, given that all these financial supports come from tax, it is unfair for younger generations to take the obligation for older ones. What is making it worse is that the population of the elderly can soon outweigh the workforce.

Admittedly, for disabled people who can hardly work when they are young will struggle without pension. This can be solved, however, via disability benefits which only apply to eligible citizens.

To sum up, as most people will be able to afford their post-retirement life through savings or other alternatives, government support seems unnecessary and unreasonable.