aliMurtaza
Mar 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / "I am glad that my mother didn't give up"; most intelligent and beautiful lady in our town [3]
Hello everyone!
So I've written this essay which I need to be graded/marked. I would be giving my Cambridge O levels English Language in a few months, so need to know how well I wrote this essay. Grade me, if possible, like the CIE people do, or just tell me my marks out of 30, and my mistakes!
Thanks.
Topic: I am glad that my mother didn't give up.
Today, as I write this, I recall the memories that never swept out of my mind, while sitting in my own office of the Pakistani Ambassador in the US. Those dark, heart-breaking memories have had so much impact on me, my mind and personality, that it had taught me how to deal with life. Those memories are what made me strong.
I still remember those days. I remember how my mother and I, were kidnapped when I was five, beaten, forced to starve or simply forced to live. I remember when my dad was separated from us and from that day till today we never knew about any of his whereabouts. We were used in the way the kidnappers wanted. They forced us to carry out tasks we would never think of or comprehend, taking our innocence into account.
My mother, who was known as the most intelligent and beautiful lady in our town, never let herself down. She didn't let anything go wrong and till today I fail to figure out how she made her respect even in front of those deadly people. She was at times only harassed, but I'm glad she didn't give up. So because of my mother, she and I were used in a way that did not did any kind of damage to us, unlike other kidnapped people, most of them being females.
Our kidnappers had taken us to an unknown place which looked like a hundred-year-old house in some distant ancient town. I had terrible time living in that prison. Seeing people, innocent people, suffering to live, tortured and harassed in every possible way was not a pleasant view. But at least I was glad I wasn't a part of it.
In that unknown place I spent about five years of my life, along with my mother. My mother, knowing that this was my age to learn, devoted all of her free time teaching me either moral-lessons, or about the real world.
After spending a couple of years with the kidnappers, I started observing that my mother was working on something. She had one single paper that too was a label taken off from something, on which she did her working when the guards weren't nearby, and hid it when she was done.
The kidnappers kept us both apart for one week and together for three days. During these days, she told me about her work, when I kept inquiring it. Yes, it was an escape plan, for both of us. I was afraid that it would not work out, but the opposite thought was my mother's. What I was more afraid of was that, that she would kill two guards in the plan.
Anyhow, her intelligence and cleverness was even more than the kidnappers, not alone mine. Her plan worked better than it would have, except that she killed three men. But it could have been only her who could have escaped from there. Till today, I owe my freedom to her!
Hello everyone!
So I've written this essay which I need to be graded/marked. I would be giving my Cambridge O levels English Language in a few months, so need to know how well I wrote this essay. Grade me, if possible, like the CIE people do, or just tell me my marks out of 30, and my mistakes!
Thanks.
Topic: I am glad that my mother didn't give up.
Today, as I write this, I recall the memories that never swept out of my mind, while sitting in my own office of the Pakistani Ambassador in the US. Those dark, heart-breaking memories have had so much impact on me, my mind and personality, that it had taught me how to deal with life. Those memories are what made me strong.
I still remember those days. I remember how my mother and I, were kidnapped when I was five, beaten, forced to starve or simply forced to live. I remember when my dad was separated from us and from that day till today we never knew about any of his whereabouts. We were used in the way the kidnappers wanted. They forced us to carry out tasks we would never think of or comprehend, taking our innocence into account.
My mother, who was known as the most intelligent and beautiful lady in our town, never let herself down. She didn't let anything go wrong and till today I fail to figure out how she made her respect even in front of those deadly people. She was at times only harassed, but I'm glad she didn't give up. So because of my mother, she and I were used in a way that did not did any kind of damage to us, unlike other kidnapped people, most of them being females.
Our kidnappers had taken us to an unknown place which looked like a hundred-year-old house in some distant ancient town. I had terrible time living in that prison. Seeing people, innocent people, suffering to live, tortured and harassed in every possible way was not a pleasant view. But at least I was glad I wasn't a part of it.
In that unknown place I spent about five years of my life, along with my mother. My mother, knowing that this was my age to learn, devoted all of her free time teaching me either moral-lessons, or about the real world.
After spending a couple of years with the kidnappers, I started observing that my mother was working on something. She had one single paper that too was a label taken off from something, on which she did her working when the guards weren't nearby, and hid it when she was done.
The kidnappers kept us both apart for one week and together for three days. During these days, she told me about her work, when I kept inquiring it. Yes, it was an escape plan, for both of us. I was afraid that it would not work out, but the opposite thought was my mother's. What I was more afraid of was that, that she would kill two guards in the plan.
Anyhow, her intelligence and cleverness was even more than the kidnappers, not alone mine. Her plan worked better than it would have, except that she killed three men. But it could have been only her who could have escaped from there. Till today, I owe my freedom to her!
