Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]

Thank you very much guys, I have taken everything you have said and adjusted it accordingly. What about the content? I did not want to come off as snobby or superior for creating my business, but rather as a passionate individual. I hope that is the impression I leave them with.

Thanks again!

Pete

Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]

Well thank you for the opportunity for more feedback, here is my essay and I look forward to any and all criticism. On a side note I am lacking in the area of grammar expertise so I apologize in advance, I planned on having a friend proofread it tomorrow.

thank you so much guys!

Most people wait until they graduate from college to do what they have dreamed of. With their degree in hand, they march forward seizing the best jobs as quickly as they can get out of their graduate gowns. Then there are people like me who just couldn't wait to do what they love and since the beginning of my college career I have worked tirelessly and passionately to create my own business revolving around solar technology. The plethora of knowledge I familiarized myself with from small business management, research of solar technology, and designing solar systems for a dozen different applications has been a tremendous undertaking. Thankfully I have a good friend who graduated with a degree in finance who I partnered with who was able to provide vital financial analysis of the equipment to the people we work with on a daily basis.

Having a business that is your own is more than just research and development of a business strategy; it's about working with the people around you to achieve the goals you have set. Understanding that the core of our business are the people we serve has been quintessential to our success, and working with them to meet their needs from day one of our founding has been truly rewarding. We have helped people with varying incomes to save more, spend less, and better their family's lives with solar energy. Together with each person we serve we slowly reach a personal goal of mine of creating an energy independent state of New Jersey. It is my hope that I will apply my skills and experiences in this field and share what I know by engaging with the Rutgers community while striving to learn all that I can from the best professors in the world.

I chose to apply to Rutgers University because I believe that it embodies all that I hope to gain from my college experience. It offers an excellent education, a large campus and neighboring college community, and a wide variety of extracurricular activities. However, the most attractive aspect of the university is its diversity. I've learned the value of meeting and forming relationships with new and interesting people. I hope to become acquainted with those who share my passions and others who could perhaps help me find beauty in things that I am not already interested in. I believe Rutgers University is the outlet that I've been searching for with which to express my individuality and to expand my pride in my home of New Jersey.

Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]

Thank you everyone for the response's. I have been taking all of what has been said into consideration and have completed my essay. I spoke about the challenges I encountered in starting a business, the different aspect of running a business, and all of the things I had to educate myself about in regards to solar technology. Finally I used my experiences starting and operating a business and tied it in with what the Rutgers community offers and how I can assist with my skills in leadership and the future knowledge I hope to gain by being part of such a community.

Best Regards,

Peter