Posts by Anonymous630

Anonymous630

Feb 11, 2015

Undergraduate / "You've got a great road ahead, sweetheart" - Transfer essays for MIT [3]

Well sorry I only had time to read the first two essays !

I like your fist essay, which is short yet concise. I like the way in which your essay revolves around the central image of the "road", and how you smartly incorporate some MIT elements into it.

a new but thriving field with limitless potential
Unlimited?

I would be making the world a better place, one project at a time.
Too generic, may be due to the word limit. If you manage to cut out some words elsewhere, I would like to know about your aspirations with more details.

Your second essay is great --at least I consider it. Your directly addressed the prompt, and also touched on some of your achievements -- Good luck with your transfer to MIT!!

Anonymous630

Feb 11, 2015

Undergraduate / Why Don't I Have Baby Pictures? - essay about experience in my life [2]

Hi I enjoyed reading your essay :) and the following just represents my own opinion:
On that Thursday morning, I woke up with a euphoric feeling, common to all Minnesotan school children, when we discover the news that class has suddenly been canceled because of heavy snowfall.

"When we discovered" "the class was cancelled" --be consistent with your tenses throughout the essay!!
Despite the grammatical errors, I feel that this introductory sentence is too lengthy -- maybe you can break it up into shorter sentences :)

My parents lost their jobs and were in a financial nightmare-we were on the verge of bankruptcy and losing our home. My dad's Social Security benefits application was the only lifeline to our situation.

Hmm by "financial nightmare" do you mean "financial crisis"? And "bankruptcy" and "losing our home" kind of repeat each other (well it is based on my understanding in my country) . I am aware that you want to emphasize on the difficult situations that your family were in, but I recommend you to rewrite this sentence.

Your second paragraph (sorry for not quoting the paragraph sentence by sentence) described the process of how you discovered the COB --This should be the climax, and this is where your essay shows its value. However, I feel that your description is not detailed enough. By detailed, I do not refer to your actions -- as readers we are more keen to know about your emotions, how contrasting your emotions were before and after finding the certificate. Your description is rather plain (forgive me if I sound too harsh).

my mom stared me in the eyes, reached out for me and hugged me tightly as I started to cry and whimper in her arms.

"started at me" or "looked right into my eyes".
Still, your description is mainly about your actions --what did you do and what did your mother did. But after finding out such a shocking piece of news your reaction was a bit too calm. And DO NOT SIMPLY USE ADJECTIVES like "sad" "shocked" "disoriented" in your essays. SHOW your emotions rather than spell them out.

Well your introductory paragraph is too long and appears to be irrelevant. Shorten the part which you talks about the snowfall --it does not connect with your topic. Rather say something about how poor yet peaceful your life with your family is --without knowing that you were adopted. This helps the readers see the contrast in the later part of your essay.

Hope it helps!

Anonymous630

Feb 10, 2015

Undergraduate / Be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions -- Queen's Commerce SE [3]

Hi Jennifer, I appreciate your suggestions very much!:）
The thing is that I find it hard to describe the project with more details due to the word limit, and I thought the prompt question required me to focus more on the impact rather than the process... Right now I am a bit desperate in trying to cut something out of my essay haha.

Would you mind taking a look at my essay again after my correction??

Anonymous630

Feb 10, 2015

Undergraduate / Be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions -- Queen's Commerce SE [3]

Hi guys I would really appreciate if you could give some feedback and suggestions on my SEs...

Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed on your Personal Statement of Experience. Describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you

After my "unwise" decision to help disabled athletes in Singapore was rejected by my mentor, I had to launch a social entrepreneurship project with myself being the only participant, because nearly everybody considered it a waste of time to work for a poorly-rated organization that received little public attention. After all, it would be extremely hard to persuade customers and sponsors to donate money for a group of people they hardly knew about.

But I was determined to raise funds and public awareness for Singapore Disability Sports Council (SDSC), despite the prediction that my plan was doomed to fail. Through my connections with the student council at secondary school, I managed to collaborate with some art students who helped me with the designs of thousands of postcards. With a brief introduction of SDSC and its missions, these specially designed postcards were sold by volunteers along Singapore's busiest streets. I also reached a deal with Singapore Post, which promised to deliver postcards with words of encouragements to some disabled athletes for free. As a result, almost a hundred of volunteers were mobilized across Singapore and over S$5,000 were raised by the end of the first week. Convinced by my initial success, some of my classmates also decided to join me in organizing a small-sized charitable concert in an attempt to further publicize SDSC. The concert was indeed worth of our two months' effort - it raised S$3,000 and attracted hundreds of audience who then gained a better understanding of the plights of disabled athletes.

Besides harvesting leadership and interactive skills, I also became more determined in pursuing my goals, as every idea was definitely worth trying, no matter how unrealistic it might appear at the start. Such experience also taught me to be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions, skills that I deemed essential in becoming a successful entrepreneur in the future.

!! I was not sure what IMPACT OF THE EXPERIENCE in the prompt meant..So I interpreted it as 1) the impact achieved through my experience of leading a social entrepreneurship project ON THE COMMUNITY 2) And the impact of such an experience ON ME.

Enjoy reading and I would also try my best to comment your essays if you wish!! :)