enatco
Sep 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / Write a story about a brother and sister who are always trying to be better than each other. [2]
Hello, I am working a lot to improve my narratives for my o'levels, but my teacher never gives me more than 22. She says that if she'll give us more, we would become over-confident, so I just wanted to know how much marks I can get in my Cambridge o'levels exams.
Any help will be really appreciated.
Topic : Write a story about a brother and sister who are always trying to be better than each other.
Sub-title: Betrayal / The mask unveiled
'Finally, I've defeated Emily,' I reflected while gasping heavily. 'Unlike her company, mine is a multi-national one, thanks to James, my son.'
Sitting in my lawn -- captivated by the breath-taking scenery of the sunlit clouds drifting across the clear blue sky, my mind raced to past as memories of our rivalry (mine and Emily's) came flooding in.
Since the time we were in primary school, we had been trying to defeat each other in everything. We competed in exams, co-curricular activities and even in acquiring our parents' love. All of our life passed trying to be better than each other, and we became owners of two separate notable companies, but thanks to James' hard work, my company became multi-national.
Ring! Ring!
The shrilling sound of the phone justled me back. I scrambled to my feet; hurried towards the phone and picked up the receiver.
'Hello! Sup???' asked a familiar voice,' Long time no see brother, at least free yourself a little bit for your sister.'
'Oh Emily! Hey, sorry I've not met you in a while,' I replied, 'I was a little busy, ya know.'
'Well, it ain't gonna work with a mere sorry,' she yelped, 'You've to come see me at our old school. We will reminisce the golden days we spent there.'
'Ok! I'll be there by 5 p.m.' I muttered, 'Well, see ya there, bye.'
'Maybe, I was taking it too seriously,' I uttered after ending the call.
As scheduled I arrived there at 5 p.m, but was amazed to find no one.
'Emily!' I yelled, 'You there Emily?'
Getting no reply, I thought she was not there until now, and so, I kept wandering around my alma mater. While doing so, I caught a glimpse of patches of blood at the ground. Panic started engulfing me, and my heart throbbed with dread.
What the heck!
Has Emily been killed by someone?
That thought sent shivers of apprehension down my spine. I followed the patches in agitation, and found a dead body all covered with blood. With sweaty hands, I turned it to make the face visible.
Aaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
How could it be possible?
How?
How...?
With tears rolling down from my cheeks, I hugged JAMES for the last time. Out of the blue, so many Police vehicles surrounded me, and I was arrested on charges of murder. The court sentenced me to life-long prison, as only my finger prints were found on the dead body. I kept on thinking who could have done it?
A week passed with me in the prison. The door of the sickening prison was then unlocked for the first time, and there I saw a familiar face; a beautiful girl with wavy long hair. It was Emily.
'Brother! How did all this happen?' she sobbed.' Why it had to turn out like this? Why did James had to be killed?'
'We can't do anything,' I wailed, 'it's God's decision.'
'Hahahaha! You're so easy to fool!' she laughed as hard as she could.
Then with an evil grin on her face, she brought her mouth close to my ears, and mumbled,
'Sorry brother, it's just that I couldn't see your company on top of mine, and this made me KILL James, and prove you the culprit behind it. You're in the jail now, and I have got control of your so-called multi-national company. Now that's what you call 'two birds with one stone', right? Farewell!'
My jaw fell open, and words failed to leave my throat. It was the biggest shock of my life. I had never expected that Emily could resort to such a thing, just for the sake of a mere triumph. I fell on the ground, and only one word echoed my ears,
Why?
Why?
Why...?
Hello, I am working a lot to improve my narratives for my o'levels, but my teacher never gives me more than 22. She says that if she'll give us more, we would become over-confident, so I just wanted to know how much marks I can get in my Cambridge o'levels exams.
Any help will be really appreciated.
Topic : Write a story about a brother and sister who are always trying to be better than each other.
Sub-title: Betrayal / The mask unveiled
'Finally, I've defeated Emily,' I reflected while gasping heavily. 'Unlike her company, mine is a multi-national one, thanks to James, my son.'
Sitting in my lawn -- captivated by the breath-taking scenery of the sunlit clouds drifting across the clear blue sky, my mind raced to past as memories of our rivalry (mine and Emily's) came flooding in.
Since the time we were in primary school, we had been trying to defeat each other in everything. We competed in exams, co-curricular activities and even in acquiring our parents' love. All of our life passed trying to be better than each other, and we became owners of two separate notable companies, but thanks to James' hard work, my company became multi-national.
Ring! Ring!
The shrilling sound of the phone justled me back. I scrambled to my feet; hurried towards the phone and picked up the receiver.
'Hello! Sup???' asked a familiar voice,' Long time no see brother, at least free yourself a little bit for your sister.'
'Oh Emily! Hey, sorry I've not met you in a while,' I replied, 'I was a little busy, ya know.'
'Well, it ain't gonna work with a mere sorry,' she yelped, 'You've to come see me at our old school. We will reminisce the golden days we spent there.'
'Ok! I'll be there by 5 p.m.' I muttered, 'Well, see ya there, bye.'
'Maybe, I was taking it too seriously,' I uttered after ending the call.
As scheduled I arrived there at 5 p.m, but was amazed to find no one.
'Emily!' I yelled, 'You there Emily?'
Getting no reply, I thought she was not there until now, and so, I kept wandering around my alma mater. While doing so, I caught a glimpse of patches of blood at the ground. Panic started engulfing me, and my heart throbbed with dread.
What the heck!
Has Emily been killed by someone?
That thought sent shivers of apprehension down my spine. I followed the patches in agitation, and found a dead body all covered with blood. With sweaty hands, I turned it to make the face visible.
Aaaaaaghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
How could it be possible?
How?
How...?
With tears rolling down from my cheeks, I hugged JAMES for the last time. Out of the blue, so many Police vehicles surrounded me, and I was arrested on charges of murder. The court sentenced me to life-long prison, as only my finger prints were found on the dead body. I kept on thinking who could have done it?
A week passed with me in the prison. The door of the sickening prison was then unlocked for the first time, and there I saw a familiar face; a beautiful girl with wavy long hair. It was Emily.
'Brother! How did all this happen?' she sobbed.' Why it had to turn out like this? Why did James had to be killed?'
'We can't do anything,' I wailed, 'it's God's decision.'
'Hahahaha! You're so easy to fool!' she laughed as hard as she could.
Then with an evil grin on her face, she brought her mouth close to my ears, and mumbled,
'Sorry brother, it's just that I couldn't see your company on top of mine, and this made me KILL James, and prove you the culprit behind it. You're in the jail now, and I have got control of your so-called multi-national company. Now that's what you call 'two birds with one stone', right? Farewell!'
My jaw fell open, and words failed to leave my throat. It was the biggest shock of my life. I had never expected that Emily could resort to such a thing, just for the sake of a mere triumph. I fell on the ground, and only one word echoed my ears,
Why?
Why?
Why...?
