Undergraduate / Is my admission counselor making my essay worse?- Autobiographical Essay for Columbia GS [4]

I sent my essay draft to my college counselor, she made notes and took some part outs. However, I feel she just dumbed down my essay. Please comment on my original essay and the corrections my college admission counselor made. Here are parts of the essay. P.S The words she added are on Italic. Thank you!!

In the fourth grade, I then became enamouredenamored with the musical pieces of the
Argentinian pianist Raul di Blasio. I could spend hours listening to his music enraptured by his
melodious phrases. It didn't take long for that feeling to ignite an enormous desire to learn how
play. One afternoon, after months of asking for a piano, my mother surprised me with a used
yamaha keyboard that I immediately fell in love with. At the time my mother couldn't afford
piano lessons nor she had the time to take me, but havingletting that keep me from learning how
to play was not an option. That week I spent every afternoon practicing and playing, horribly
awfully bad but playing. The sound of each key had an striking familiarity, and the more I played
the more familiar it became. Two weeks later I was able to play one of my favorite pieces,songs
"Corazón de Nińo" by Raul di Blasio. I didn't know what a musical note was, let alone their
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In the seventh grade, I then became the target of vicious and malevolent classmates. I was
tormented, isolated and emotionally maimed for reasons that simply seem arbitrary. I had to
endure horrible treatment, from the most hurtful words to being thrown inside a trashcan - and I
can honestly say the words hurt much more. For too long, I was at the mercy of antagonistic
teenagers who relished in being the artisans of my personal hell, b. But in the eighth grade, I was
fortunate enough to have encountered a professor with genuine care for me and my
educationlearning . If not for her support I'm not sure I would have found the courage to stand up
for myself, and put a stop to the mischievous ruffianbullyings. By the time I entered High
School I had developed an emphatic new perspective on life; I became a outgoingunreticent
individual, and once again confident in my personal and intellectual virtues.

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One day, as I walked by 116th and Broadway, I couldn't avoidelude the urge to walk into the
prodigious Columbia campus. I sat on the steps of the Low Library; behind me Alma Mater and
Butler's Library before me. I imagined myself in a seminar, surrounded by brilliant minds and
discussing works of the most influential thinkers in human history....but really, how realistic
is that for someone like me? After all, statistics say I will not pursue higher education, and
attending an Ivy League school is a far-fetched idea, but to that I say-I have always strived for
the extraordinary and through my hard work created opportunities, that otherwise, wouldn't have
been available to me. I will be the persongirl that beat the odds.
If had the opportunity to change something in my past I wouldn't, the experiences I've lived
have modeled me into a strong individual able to handle challenges and rise above them. I
developed a maturity that and I wouldn't have acquired if not for my perilous, yet profound
teaching experiences. I am confident that with my background, I will bring a new perspective to
the Columbia community. The demanding curriculum will allow me to grow personally and
serve as catalysts for my academic transformation-Columbia School of General Studies is the
epitome of the kind of rigorous education I've always longed for, and with the School of General
Studies behind me, I know I can reach my goals..

"Because you're extraordinary"-You read
-Columbia concede me the great honor of being my alma mater.