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Posts by Jetninja
Name: Marcelo Almora
Joined: Oct 15, 2015
Last Post: Oct 15, 2015
Threads: 1
Posts: 1  
From: USA
School: Bellarmine College Preparatory

Displayed posts: 2
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Jetninja   
Oct 15, 2015
Undergraduate / My Dinosaur Bone Essay for Caltech - I don't think I am expressing myself well enough (help!) [3]

This is my supplemental essay for Caltech. Currently 180 words.

In an increasingly global and interdependent society, there is a need for diversity in thought, background, and experience in science, technology, engineering and mathematics. How do you see yourself contributing to the diversity of Caltech's community? (200 word max)

When I was 11 years old I loved making networks of sand tunnels in the playground. One day, as I connected my tunnels together, I found the most amazing artifact: a bone. But let's be real here, this couldn't have been a chicken bone from the KFC across the street, it had to be a dinosaur bone.

I was telling all of my friends how I had discovered a Velociraptor bone. The thought that it could have been a chicken bone...was just uninteresting! Practicality has its place, but as we zoom closer and closer into, say, this computer screen, practicality breaks down. My friends looked at the small, old, corroded bone and concluded it came from a chicken, but I was the one who said it was something else.

The most interesting concepts of our reality are the ones that still cannot be fully explained; I want to bring this "interest" to Caltech. Let's face it, the bone was probably just a chicken bone, but the world needs people to think outside the overused box. That's where I come in.

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I had some more ideas to include for this essay topic that I benched, I'll include them here:
-How far I will go to prove my point
-Maybe try to find a way to compare the bone to my life right now
-A separate idea altogether, talk about how I do my homework with at the table alongside my brother, my mom, and my dad, who all do their homework as well with me. Maybe talk about how I help them and teach them grammar because they still have trouble writing in English since they are in college classes right now. I talked about my minority background in my common app essay though so I didn't want to be redundant

-Adding in the idea that Earth is too "mainstream" for me. Not as interesting as the rest of the Universe.

Thanks and any ideas are appreciated!!
Jetninja   
Oct 15, 2015
Undergraduate / Eternal Happiness. A choice from the activities section of a Common Application [4]

While I also agree with being more specific with an activity inside your activities section, I think writing about this topic could also work.

However, I would start off on the sentence where you begin talking about yourself:
"While I have fallen victim many times to putting things..."

While your ideals are a nice touch, I think the college wants to know why YOU would be choosing this as your only activity, not why everyone else would.

I also think you could cut some words here and there, like:
"...have found that true, consistent, and eternal happiness can only come from a relationship with God."
"Because of the realization that my faith is the only thing that can completely fulfill my longing for happiness..."

Now that you cut down a good portion of the essay, you can include that specificity I was talking about earlier, such as (random examples): the charity drive you run every christmas, or the summer retreats you have with your church group, or a small moment in how being greatly involved in the church has affected you in some way. Definitely make sure to specifically answer that "Why?" question, because that would separate your application response about finding happiness in God with someone else's application response about finding happiness in God.

-hope that helped!
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