Literary Fog Essay- One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest

Hello,
I have been asked to redo one of my essays because of my problems with verb tense and passive voice. I re- wrote it and still got a low mark. Can you please review this to tell me where I went wrong and how I could improve on it. Grade 12 writers craft.

Thanks!

Healing through Change

Relationships are strong bonds formed between two people. The bond between Chief and MacMurphy had a great have an impact on Chief himself. In One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest the fog represents Chief's unsure, hopeless, and trapped feelings. He separates himself from reality by using the cloudy unclarity as a safe place for his mind to go. When Chief experiences confidence and personal growth the fog begins to disappear, this allows the reader to better understand the progression and mental state of him. Kesey conveys the fact that the best way to overcome internal conflict of any kind is through confidence in oneself and others.

In a mental institution the patients refer to as the combine lives a 6'7" Indian known as Chief. His internal conflicts and medical history are unknown by the reader, limiting trust in his narration. The fog appears consistently when Chief experiences feelings of discomfort and/or insecurity. He finds the fog comforting and reliable "as bad as it is you can slip back into it and feel safe" (Kesey 114) Kesey uses the haze to demonstrate Chief's self awareness and control. The whole time Chief has been given medication as a way to help him, by displaying his sanity Kesey opens up the possibility of healing through change.

When MacMurphy, a young man with a bold personality, arrives he creates a change in routine and a change within Chief. The difference between MacMurphy and the other patients sparks Chief's interest diminishing his trapped state of mind. His ability to focus and attention to detail become exquisite capturing every minor detail "carbon fiber under the fingernail" (27) resulting in clear reliable narration. The subtle social cues of MacMurphy begin with an introduction and acknowledgement of Chief "well what the hell, he can shake my hand or I will consider it an insult." (24) these social cues stimulate interaction. Humans are social by nature, meaning they need constant contact with others. Kesey shows the importance of this through Chief's "deef and dumb act". After years of being ignored and dismissed by fellow patients, Chief began to lose his identity and give up on trying to interact with others. He is left to his own thoughts, delusions, and paranoia slipping into the fog. Kesey demonstrates the large affects within a small change.

Value and purpose are essential for motivation. By MacMurphy instilling confidence into Chief "By God Chief... It appears to me you have grown ten inches since that fishing trip." (225) he creates self awareness which in turn creates self identity. The fog represents Chief's state of confusion, whenever the Big Nurse was discussing emotional issues something Chief is not aware of he would cowardly slip into the fog. MacMurphy however, seems to remove him from this trance by forcing Chief to have social interaction. As the relationship between Mac and Chief blossoms the fog becomes less important in his life, allowing independence to replace insecurities. Years had gone by with the treatment of medication providing no positive changes to Chief's well being, Kesey shows that healing is a long process but it can begin with subtle changes.

The fog allows readers to follow the mental progression of Chief along with the connections it has with self acceptance and social interaction. Kesey demonstrates the possibilities of healing through change, self acceptance, and purpose. He conveys the fact that not all healing can be done with medication it goes beyond that. The routine within the hospital, never allows patients to learn and grow through experience. The character of Mac forces Chief to socialize, something he has not done for a long time. The relationship allows Chief to have confidence in himself and others through self awareness and trust, overcoming his internal conflicts contributing to his mental state.

...on Chief himself .

You used the active voice very well in this essay. You also use the present verb tense, which is a great way to write about literature.

The best way to improve your writing is to ask yourself what the main message of the essay is... and then sum up that message in a single sentence. Put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Do that, and you will be writing excellent essays!

Can you tell me what the teacher said was wrong with your verb tense? Also, do you have questions about passive voice?

Hi Kevin,
Thank you for helping me out. Yes my teacher said there was still some passive voice used and that I was not confident enough in what I was trying to say. The first essay I wrote he said that I had great points but I was trying to use fancy unnecessary language. So, in this essay I simplified it but I don't think it was enough for him. His directions were to not use the verb "to be" I think I got that confused with using active voice and talked in past tense the whole time. It really confused me.

I don't see any bad uses of the passive voice. If the teacher sees some passive voice that should be changed, he should point out the example. I hope you challenge him to do so! MAny people misunderstand what passive voice means.

Passive voice is often misunderstood by people. ---this is passive voice.
People often misunderstand passive voice.----this is active.
Janette was knocked to the ground by a flying elf. ---passive
A flying elf knocked Janette to the ground. ---active

Here are some more ideas:
When Chief experiences confidence and personal growth the fog begins to disappear, and this allows the reader to better understand the progression and his mental state of him .

Kesey conveys the fact that the best way to overcome internal conflict of any kind is through confidence in oneself and others.---this seems like the thesis statement because it is at the end of paragraph #1. So, the topic sentence (first sentence) of every paragraph should help to show that this statement is true.

In a mental institution to which the patients refer as "The Combine" lives a 6'7" Indian known as Chief. ---I made a small change here. However, this sentence is the first sentence of the paragraph, so if you want the essay to have good structure you should add a sentence BEFORE this sentence, and make it a sentence that introduces the main idea of this paragraph in a way that shows that the thesis statement is true.

The subtle social cues of MacMurphy begin with an introduction and acknowledgment of Chief: "Well what the hell, he can shake my hand or I will consider it an insult" (24). These social cues stimulate interaction.

Here is another paragraph topic sentence:
Value and purpose are essential for motivation. ----This sentence does not show that the thesis statement is true. Do this:
Value and purpose are essential for motivation, and also for the confidence that helps individuals to overcome internal conflict.

By MacMurphy instilling confidence into Chief -- "By God Chief... It appears to me you have grown ten inches since that fishing trip" (225) -- MacMurphy creates ...---Here, I moved MacMurphy's name to a better place in the sentence.

Also, I put the period AFTER the parenthetical reference in those quotations above.

When the teacher suggests not using the verb "to be" very often, that is the same as saying you should use action verbs whenever possible, like this:

When Chief experiences confidence and personal growth...---this is good. It would not be as good without the action verb:
When Chief has confidence and personal growth...---not so good. Your way of using action verbs in this essay is impressive already...

I hope this helps!! Tell your teacher we need him to help people here at EssayForum! :-) We need you to help, too; please check out EssayForum Contributor Page. You are already a good writer!!

(But review the way to cite page numbers in MLA. The punctuation goes AFTER the parenthetical reference.

:-)

Thank you so much Kevin, I really appreciate it.. and believe me I challenge him all right and will continue to do so for the rest of the semester.. Happy New Year!