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Grad School Statement of Purpose Critique (passion for academics and researc)



mallik777 1 / 5  
Aug 8, 2009   #1
The last three years have been very informative and meaningful since they have taught me a great deal about the corporate world and more importantly given me a very clear picture of what I want to do with the rest of my life. I consider my self to be a very creative, insightful, resourceful and a hard working individual whose true potential can be realized in a relatively independent, challenging and a flexible environment. Such an environment based on my experience is best offered in a research based academic setting.

In spite of my passion for academics and research I felt that it was important for me to experience what the industry had to offer prior to making any long term career decisions. Soon after I started working in the industry I began to realize that unlike academia that there was little opportunity for creativity and exploration. I like my colleagues in the engineering and design groups was being trained to perform a repeated set of tasks rather than being challenged to create something completely new and revolutionary. The mentally stimulating discussions I used to have with my friends and professors on a variety of academic and non academic topics were lacking. The flexibility that the research lifestyle offers was missing. Despite these challenges and others I decided that I needed to spend more time in the industry in order to learn more about the inner workings of a corporation and how it conducts business. This sales and business knowledge I figured would be very useful to me in my career given the close ties between academia and the industry. After having spent all this time in the industry and gaining a wealth of knowledge I believe that I am finally ready to pursue a Ph.D. and a long term career in academics.

My areas of interest are design, manufacturing and automation. I would like to work on the design and development of new methods and technologies which shall aid the production of parts and assemblies which currently pose a tremendous challenge to manufacturing. I am particularly interested in the work of professor Wals, professor Derbishier, Ray Rendell and the research at the BOTS focused on Fuel cell manufacturing, and robotics & industrial automation. I believe that my focused academic and research work spanning areas of machine design, product design, mechanism design, mechatronics, and manufacturing processes, along with my hands on knowledge of machining and manufacturing tools provides a strong foundation for my PhD work. I request that the admissions committee kindly consider me for a TA assistantship for this coming spring semester, which will give me adequate time to familiarize myself with the current research at MIT and identify a research topic for the coming fall.

Apart from research, constant learning and having the opportunities to share my knowledge and experience with upcoming students are also very important to me. My insight and creative abilities lend themselves suitable not only to research but to problem solving in general. I am very passionate about motivating and helping people and have been known to engage in intelligent conversation with colleagues and administration in order to implement positive change at RPI and in the world. I have a great desire to make a difference, and hope to one day make such a contribution in my field and the community that my family and professors can be proud of. I feel that being part of an institution that embraces change and produces individuals that leave their mark in the world would set me on the right path to realize my dream.

EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Aug 8, 2009   #2
This is informative but dull. You jump in at an odd point -- three years ago. Spend some time thinking: What is the strongest thing about you or your experience? Lead with that.
EF_Sean 6 / 3460  
Aug 8, 2009   #3
And you're verbose, which never endears admissions officers to students:

The last three years have been very informative and meaningful since they have taught me a great deal about the corporate world and more importantly given me a very clear picture of whatshown me I want to do with the rest of my life. I consider my self to beam a very creative, insightful, resourceful and a hard working individual whose true potential can be realized in a relatively independent, challenging and a flexible environment, Such an environment based on my experience is best offered in a research based academic setting.

The editing is just to show you how many unnecessary words and phrases you use in your writing. In fact, all of this paragraph is trite boilerplate, and should be cut. Revise you essay to make it more concise, and to use strong verbs, then repost.
OP mallik777 1 / 5  
Aug 8, 2009   #4
Here is few points I left out:
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I already have a masters from the same school. This is the only school I am interested in applying to. The professor who is the head for admissions knows me quite well and is going to be reading this.

I would really appreciate your valuble guidance to imporve the over all quality of my essay

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Requirements:
- Upload a one- or two-page statement that includes the following information:
2. Your primary educational and research interests
3. An outline of your research experience and a list of any publications and academic honors
4. A description of your background in fields particularly relevant to your study objectives-include any relevant industrial/work or research experience
5. A discussion of specific research topics and methods you might pursue in your thesis research
6. Information outlining your current work/study activities
------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------

Since they ask for an outline of research activities I was planning on cutting and copying my resume below the SOP.
OP mallik777 1 / 5  
Aug 10, 2009   #5
Dear Evaluators,

Based on your invaluble feedback I have rewritten my SOP which is due in a couple of days. I know the last two paragraphs need some work and would be open to suggestions how to modify them.

Kindly offer your able guidance.
------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------

Requirements:
- Upload a one- or two-page statement that includes the following information:
2. Your primary educational and research interests
3. An outline of your research experience and a list of any publications and academic honors
4. A description of your background in fields particularly relevant to your study objectives-include any relevant industrial/work or research experience
5. A discussion of specific research topics and methods you might pursue in your thesis research
6. Information outlining your current work/study activities
------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------

Industry can be a difficult place for an individual driven by a desire to make a difference.

On completing my masters I was faced with a dilemma, to either continue with a Ph.D or to experience what the industry had to offer. I figured given the close relationship that the industry and academia enjoyed joining the corporate world would be the safest choice. I would either love the industry so much, unwilling to return, and if I did, it would be with a deeper passion for academics and an invaluable understanding the corporate world. The industry proved to be not as dynamic and challenging as I had anticipated. Creativity was hindered by monotony and procedural hurdles. Despite of these challenges I felt motivated to stay and learn how corporations functioned prior to commencing a long term career in academia.

My journey in mechanical engineering began half way through my bachelors as an electrical engineering student when I decided to sign up for a strength of materials course as part of the core curriculum requirement. As the instructor began revealing some of the concepts associated with the subject I was filled with awe and delight. This is first time I had experienced engineering in a non-abstract sense. There were no more electrons and protons rather strains and stresses which I could physically relate to. The focus of the course on design really sparked my sense of creativity and got me hooked onto mechanical engineering.

Over the next few years I concentrated on topics in machine design, product design, mechanism design, mechatronics, manufacturing processes and received hands on training in using various machining and manufacturing tools. Through 5 consecutive summer research fellowships at Caltech and my work for a custom machine building company I was able to build confidence in my abilities and hone critical problem solving skills. At RPI I became interested in the work of Prof Walczyk, Prof Derby and Ray Puffer which focuses on the design and development of new methods and technologies, to aid the production of parts and assemblies, which currently pose a tremendous challenge to manufacturing. I got to know Prof walzyck's work especially well as he taught some of my classes and served as mentor to one of the AML senior design teams that I led. He later accepted to serve as an advisor to my maters thesis which aimed at developing a novel biomedical device and prototype machinery to test the device. For my Ph.D work I would like to work with possibly him or Prof. Derby as I believe their ground breaking research could lead to major contributions in manufacturing.

Apart from research, I am passionate about learning new things and sharing my knowledge and experience with upcoming students. My insight and creative abilities lend themselves suitable not only to research but to problem solving in general. I am very passionate about motivating and helping people and have been known to engage in intelligent conversation with colleagues and administration in order to implement positive change at RPI and in the world. I have a great desire to make a difference, and hope to one day make such a contribution in my field and the community that my family and professors can be proud of. I feel that being part of an institution that embraces change and produces individuals that leave their mark in the world would set me on the right path to realize my dream.

I truly enjoyed my time at RPI and request the admission committee to consider my application for a TA assistantship in the department. I await your positive response.

------------------------------------------------------------ -------------------

Since they ask for an outline of research activities I was planning on cutting and copying my resume below the SOP. As a sample:

Student Work Experience
June 06 to February 07: Design & Manufacturing Engineer (Masters Thesis): Teak Industries, Inc: Albany, NY -
Perform a Design for Manufacture/Assembly study for the Podiatric Off-Loading Indicator, a novel biomedical device.
-Designed and successfully tested a prototype device to be used in mass production
-Designed and built prototype machinery and mechanisms used in device testing
-Conceptualized a manufacturing system to cost effectively manufacture devices
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Aug 10, 2009   #6
Good job! You've got some minor (but glaring) errors such as not capitalizing a professor's name and using "mater" instead of "master," so be sure to proofread very carefully before sending out your statement. Also, spell out "five."
OP mallik777 1 / 5  
Aug 10, 2009   #7
Thank you so much for your help. I will make sure its clean before I send it out. Do you think the second last paragraph is good or should I rewrite it? You have no idea how relieved I feel.

Thanks much again.
OP mallik777 1 / 5  
Aug 10, 2009   #8
I meant this one. I hope it does not come across as boring and preachy? Please advise.

Apart from research, I am passionate about learning new things and sharing my knowledge and experience with upcoming students. My insight and creative abilities lend themselves suitable not only to research but to problem solving in general. I am very passionate about motivating and helping people and have been known to engage in intelligent conversation with colleagues and administration in order to implement positive change at RPI and in the world. I have a great desire to make a difference, and hope to one day make such a contribution in my field and the community that my family and professors can be proud of. I feel that being part of an institution that embraces change and produces individuals that leave their mark in the world would set me on the right path to realize my dream.
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Aug 10, 2009   #9
My insight and creative abilities lend themselves suitable not only to research but to problem solving in general.

I am very passionate about motivating and helping people and have been known to engage in intelligent conversation with colleagues and administration in order to implement initiated positive change at RPI and in the world .

I have a great desire to make a difference, and hope to one day make such a contribution to my field and in the community that my family and professors will be proud of .
OP mallik777 1 / 5  
Aug 10, 2009   #10
Thank you guys. Your services through this website are truly appreciated.
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Aug 10, 2009   #11
You're very welcome! To show your gratitude, pitch in and help somebody else with their essay. There are quite a few folks looking for help in finding grammatical errors.


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