Book Reports / 'Not really fit in' - Describe a character in fiction - Belonging [7]

Hi guys I'm new here and I really need some help with my essay! Could you all help me check if my grammar is alright? Also, it'll be great if you all can provide some feedback on how I can improve this essay. Do you all find it a bit too long?

I could feel the sweat starting to form on my palms as my classmates stared at me.

"Who do you identify yourself with Lishan?" my literature teacher repeated herself.

I was completely baffled and could not answer her.

I have always felt like I never really fit in. For a start, I am of both Chinese and Indian descent. Whenever the dreaded issue of race comes up, I find myself wishing for a hole to appear and suck me into the ground.

The need to find a sense of belonging resulted in a myriad of questions that no one could answer. Thus, I supplemented my curiosity by perusing through books. I took classes in post-colonial literature to satisfy my appetite for the search for an identity. This led me to read Suchen Christine Lim's A Fistful Of Colours.

The book narrates the story of how Suwen, a young Chinese Singaporean artist, struggles to establish her identity. Educated in England, Suwen could not speak Mandarin and felt most comfortable conversing in English. Her art pieces, which are inspired by the Western culture, are blatantly rejected by the Singaporean community. Suwen's inability to accept her differences resulted in a painful emotional turmoil and her leaving the country.

In contrast, Suwen's friend Nica felt much more at ease with her differences. As a Singaporean of Chinese and Indian heritage, she is often question about her identity. Instead of trying to fit in with a specific community, Nica will outrightly state that she is "just Nica". She refuses to conform to society's expectations of her and eventually manages to establish herself as a successful artist. The freedom Nica felt when she dismissed the constant pressure to belong made her much happier than Suwen.

Before I read the novel, I kept contemplating over the same question ï Where do I belong?

However, my thoughts soon evolved ï Do I really need to belong?

People always seem to perceive me wrongly because I do not act like a typical female Singaporean teenager. Instead of studying the sciences, I chose to study the humanities ï something that many people in Singapore still consider to be "a dumping ground". I watch soccer, love Shakespeare and detest shopping. In addition, I am of mixed heritage. Many a time, I often found myself in situations where I felt left out. Yet, the very act of moulding myself into someone else is almost tantamount to betrayal. Thus, I felt a connection with Nica when I read A Fistful Of Colours. Her refusal to succumb to society's expectations made me see a little of myself in her.

However, some may argue that I may be different just for the sake of standing out. This led me to question my beliefs ïAm I really staying true to myself or merely being rebellious? Individualism is not necessarily negative and yet too much of it can turn one into a self-centred and egotistical person. As I delved deeper into my thoughts, I became more at ease with myself. I made sure that my values are what I sincerely believe in. Like Nica, I realized that one does not always have to belong. Although it can make one feel at home, not belonging can give one the freedom to truly establish who you are. Without conforming to fit society's ideals and expectations of you, the world truly becomes your oyster.

I am no longer uncomfortable with my differences and I see them as a unique aspect of my identity. Although I am still on the long journey of truly understanding myself, I feel as if I have indeed moved a step closer to my final destination. I know that Nica will always be a reminder for me to never lose sight of who I truly am.

I can now confidently answer my question: Do I really need to belong?

No, I do not.

Thanks for reading my long essay!