Undergraduate / 'My Chinglish sentences' - Common Application Main Essay [2]

Hi Totoro

Great essay! Yet I think you may add more details in the third paragraph (e.g. what you've done to overcome the problem). You've written a lot about your problem, but you did not specify your endeavor. Also, I think you can make your point clearer: what personality do you want to show the AOs, and why you are special. You should write the essay as no one else could use. I mean, all the immigrants can write about him or her like this, and what is your uniqueness? How can you stand out?

Just some suggestions. I am a native Chinese too. Hope it helps. =]