khoi1092
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 - how Scouting has shaped who I am today [5]
This is my first draft for University of California admissions essay #1. I know of several mistakes in this essay but I am not quite sure how to fix them. If you can help me out, that would be great, and thanks :]
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I believe that there are three essential things that you must have in order to set out and accomplish a goal: a vision, commitment, and strong relationships. These three elements are like puzzle pieces; they complement each other because they are all needed in order to piece together a bigger picture. To accomplish your goal, you must have a plan on how to reach it. Setting smaller deadlines is key because it divides the goal into manageable tasks and gives you a clear direction on how to proceed. Having strong commitment is also necessary; you need to adhere to the tasks that are presented upon you and persevere to see it's completion. Lastly and most importantly, you must have a strong relationships with friends, family, and other advisers to support you along the way. These people will give you advice when the going gets tough and help motivate you to staying committed to your goal.. All three of these elements were prevalent in my 7 year journey through Scouting. As an adolescent, Scouting has provided me with invaluable memories and experiences that will help me become a contributing member of society.
The values of life that Scouting preaches are like road signs: they help point your conscience in the right direction. Achieving the rank of Eagle Scout was only a byproduct of my time in Boy Scouts: the ultimate goal that I strive for is to improve myself as a person. I turn to the Scout Law when I am conflicted with doing what is right, following rules, or solving problems. Living by the 12 Laws provides 12 distinct objectives for me to follow whether it be in Scouting, as a productive family member, or in society. For example, I always try to be thrifty with money and only spend on what I actually need. Naturally, it is okay to make mistakes along the way; we are only human. In Scouting, I have also learned that "when the going gets tough, the tough get going". In Scouts, we always hold camping and hiking trips consistently regardless of whether the attendance is high or low because we have a responsibility to allow those who can attend outings to go. The support system I have in Scouting is grandiose. I have friends that point out my mistakes and help me fix them. I have Scoutmasters that I can always go to for counseling and advice. My parents are also very involved in my troop by working on the troop's Committee and this has greatly improved the closeness of my family.
Scouting has shaped who I am today because it has made me the type of person that doesn't "dream", but makes goals and follows through these goals. A dream, in my opinion, is an outreach that comes and goes. Dreams are something that you would like to have but makes you feel defeated to the fact that the dream is impossible and unlikely to happen. Goals are more realistic and provide an aim to set out and achieve something. One of my current goals now is to get into Engineering School at a University of California campus. Engineering excites me because I am the type of person who likes to work with my hands to solve problems and make everyone's lives easier.
552 words
This is my first draft for University of California admissions essay #1. I know of several mistakes in this essay but I am not quite sure how to fix them. If you can help me out, that would be great, and thanks :]
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I believe that there are three essential things that you must have in order to set out and accomplish a goal: a vision, commitment, and strong relationships. These three elements are like puzzle pieces; they complement each other because they are all needed in order to piece together a bigger picture. To accomplish your goal, you must have a plan on how to reach it. Setting smaller deadlines is key because it divides the goal into manageable tasks and gives you a clear direction on how to proceed. Having strong commitment is also necessary; you need to adhere to the tasks that are presented upon you and persevere to see it's completion. Lastly and most importantly, you must have a strong relationships with friends, family, and other advisers to support you along the way. These people will give you advice when the going gets tough and help motivate you to staying committed to your goal.. All three of these elements were prevalent in my 7 year journey through Scouting. As an adolescent, Scouting has provided me with invaluable memories and experiences that will help me become a contributing member of society.
The values of life that Scouting preaches are like road signs: they help point your conscience in the right direction. Achieving the rank of Eagle Scout was only a byproduct of my time in Boy Scouts: the ultimate goal that I strive for is to improve myself as a person. I turn to the Scout Law when I am conflicted with doing what is right, following rules, or solving problems. Living by the 12 Laws provides 12 distinct objectives for me to follow whether it be in Scouting, as a productive family member, or in society. For example, I always try to be thrifty with money and only spend on what I actually need. Naturally, it is okay to make mistakes along the way; we are only human. In Scouting, I have also learned that "when the going gets tough, the tough get going". In Scouts, we always hold camping and hiking trips consistently regardless of whether the attendance is high or low because we have a responsibility to allow those who can attend outings to go. The support system I have in Scouting is grandiose. I have friends that point out my mistakes and help me fix them. I have Scoutmasters that I can always go to for counseling and advice. My parents are also very involved in my troop by working on the troop's Committee and this has greatly improved the closeness of my family.
Scouting has shaped who I am today because it has made me the type of person that doesn't "dream", but makes goals and follows through these goals. A dream, in my opinion, is an outreach that comes and goes. Dreams are something that you would like to have but makes you feel defeated to the fact that the dream is impossible and unlikely to happen. Goals are more realistic and provide an aim to set out and achieve something. One of my current goals now is to get into Engineering School at a University of California campus. Engineering excites me because I am the type of person who likes to work with my hands to solve problems and make everyone's lives easier.
552 words