Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by queenlcg
Name: emily graham
Joined: Oct 18, 2018
Last Post: Oct 18, 2018
Threads: 1
Posts: 2  
From: United States
School: iUniversity Prep

Displayed posts: 3
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queenlcg   
Oct 18, 2018
Undergraduate / College entrance essay for Pitt. How have you made an impact? [3]

Hello! I just wrote this essay for undergrad admissions to Pitt.

The prompt:

How have you made an impact at your high school or within your community?


choose one example and explain. 200-300 words (this is 286)

Every Valentine's day, I would pack up my cheesy pink cards with candy taped to the back, anticipating the heart-shaped brownies and rose petals on our desks at school. I would remind my family I loved them, and show affection to all my friends. It was a day for loving and caring for your neighbor. That is, until February 14, 2018 arrived. I checked my phone and watched as the horrific event took place: shots were fired at a Florida high school. My heart sank. I called my friend who had moved to Florida very recently. I got no answer. After a few hours, more information was released about the shooting and I was finally able to take a breath. She was on lockdown, but she was at a different school. As days went by, the victims of the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting began an organization to stop these shootings for good: The March for Our Lives. I found myself engulfed in the movement. I helped spread the word and organize the march in Fort Worth. I called my senator, made flyers and passed them out to anyone who would accept them. I did everything in my power to help set the movement in motion. When it finally came time to walk the streets, I got on a plane and flew to Washington, D.C. to be part of the largest march in US history. I will always advocate for safer schools and do my part in preventing any more children from losing their lives in the classroom. I was a part of something that continues to impact our country almost a year later. I am a part of something that will impact generations to come.

Thank you for your help!! Any feedback is welcome.
queenlcg   
Oct 18, 2018
Writing Feedback / Investing in schools and teachers or supplying computers and Internet access? IELTS2 [4]

Hello!

I would recommend changing your first paragraph. First, it is only two sentences. While not bad, the sentences are long. Try breaking the first sentence apart and stating that there are different views, what they are, and then lead into what you believe. Short and concise is great, so try summarizing the information. I would also recommend adding a hook. The paragraph is boring and I didn't want to continue reading. I hope this helped a bit!
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