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Undergraduate   Posts: 7

You're So Immature - Common App Essay; something that sparked a period of personal growth


natasha1313 1 / 2  
Oct 18, 2018   #1
Hi everyone, this is my common app essay. The prompt I chose is :
Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.
If anyone could review my grammar, relatedness to the prompt, title choice, bold/italic placements, or just any correction that'd be really great. Also, for a 650 words limit essay, is 424 a fine amount?

YOU'RE SO IMMATURE



"You call that 'mature'?"

Again, I failed to hold back my tears from falling. My brain was trying so hard to form a sentence, but all I could think about wasI need a tissue. My nose was partially blocked from crying, and my breath was heavy and irregular. I glanced at my mom, trying to send her signals to defend me. I am mature! I thought. I knew I was mature enough to have my own iPhone, or to go to the movies with my friends. Or to decide that I did not want to spend my whole summer in this church program. Dad, I am a grown up now. Please let me make my own decisions-- and don't call me immature!

Maturity is a weird concept. What actually defines maturity? Is it when you can financially support yourself? Is it when you reach a certain age? Is it when you put other people before yourself? Well, when I first boarded on a flight without my parents, I thought, wow, I am an adult!

I grew up arguing with my dad a lot. He has this ability to turn small talks at the dining table into deep, meaningful life lessons. From small things like asking permission to hang out with friends to bigger ones such as college decisions, everything becomes an argument. In middle school, I would prefer to stay at home rather than going to the movies with my friends, because my dad would insist on accompanying me. Sleepovers or trips were nonexistent in my teenage years. Boyfriend? Forget about that. To say that he is overprotective would be a understatement. If I recall all these arguments, I always lose. Most of it ended with the exact scene I described before. Tears.

However, I discovered maturity through these series of arguments with my dad. He is difficult, but he has always had me on his shoulder, metaphorically and literally. Despite the challenging experiences, the tough love he has shown me all these years helped me broadened my self-awareness and perspectives. As soon as I grew older, I learned that the obstacles he intentionally gave me were meant to help me achieve better and higher. I learned to to listen when he speaks and to think before I speak. I learned to apologize. I learned to understand the reasons behind his reasonings. All these things which seemed so simple yet so hard to actually do. I stopped debating-I communicate.

Our last argument was last week. And for the first time, I won.

LuchianoP 2 / 4 1  
Oct 18, 2018   #2
Before I start my comment I am also a high school senior who currently is finalizing my common app essay
First your introduction didn't catch my attention. It's to descriptive for no reason, which is why it's boring. If you can't get the audiences attention in your first couple of sentences than why should they continue reading. Remember that college admission officers are reading thousands of essays you need yours to tell a story.

Another thing your essay doesn't give a true understanding of who YOU are. This essay one of the only spots where you can show colleges what you are capable of and an experience you have gone through.

Try to edit this essay to explain a certain argument you had with your dad and how it affected you. The portion where you question what exactly is maturity cut it out. You only have 650 words use them wisely. Remember your essay needs to be PERSONAL and genuine.
queenlcg 1 / 2 1  
Oct 18, 2018   #3
Hello! I'm also working on my applications.

... about was I need a tissue.

I added a space between "was" and "I".

... would be an understatement.

Correcting "a" to "an"

These are a couple improvements, sorry I can't be of more help!
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,181 1785  
Oct 19, 2018   #4
Natasha, the essay in itself is engaging. The hook that opens with the argument is something that grabs the attention of the reader. However, I believe that the prompt you chose for your presentation is incorrect. I believe that the more appropriate common app prompt to use in this instance is:

Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome?

This prompt will help you to better arrange the essay in a manner more suitable to the prompt. Using the new prompt, you only need to reformat the paragraphs as follows: paragraph 3,4,1,2,5,6. You may adjust the content per paragraph if you wish since you have large word allowance for this essay. However, I believe that the number of words that you have written is sufficient. The essay is not too long to the point of over dramatization and boring the reader, nor is it too short to make an impact. These are just my thoughts. I hope it will be helpful to you.
OP natasha1313 1 / 2  
Oct 19, 2018   #5
@Holt
Thank you! That was helpful. However, can you explain how my essay would relate to the prompt you chose?
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,181 1785  
Oct 19, 2018   #6
It's really simple. you challenged the belief of your father in your maturity. You questioned his belief that you were immature. There were reasons that led to your thinking that his belief about you was wrong. That was very clear in your discussion. You presented strong evidence to support that. The outcome was pivotal at the end of your essay where you finally won an argument with your father. Therefore, the prompt about challenging a belief or idea is more appropriate for the essay that you wrote. The rearrangement of the paragraphs will better highlight the prompt I suggested to you. Listen, you don't have to take my advice about your topic if you don't want to. If you don't think it is suited to your taste or you really want to use your arrangement for the prompt you chose, then go ahead. Mine is unsolicited advice which you can opt to take, or not. No pressure, no harm, no foul.
OP natasha1313 1 / 2  
Oct 20, 2018   #7
I'll try to rearrange it! However, do you think the prompt I chose has a connection to my essay? Because I kind of feel like they matched, but I want to hear a second opinion. Also, do you think my title is interesting or do you have any other suggestions? Thank you!


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