yalice0
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Sharing something in common' - Lehigh University Essay : Equity and Community [4]
I agree with verily; first sentence sets the tone! The reader doesn't get to see much insight into who you actually are, but rather, what community, equity, society, blah is. You should narrow down your topic more; you hit a very good point about literacy programs and could've expanded on that. I think you went a bit parallel-happy too (don't worry, I do that myself) by using equity so many times. It felt like you were trying to push the word limit of your essay at parts.
You can tighten up the prose a bit more, be less verbose and all. Try adding imagery to it? People from China, Israel, and India gather for dinner together. Always remember to show and not tell.
Hope this helped!
I agree with verily; first sentence sets the tone! The reader doesn't get to see much insight into who you actually are, but rather, what community, equity, society, blah is. You should narrow down your topic more; you hit a very good point about literacy programs and could've expanded on that. I think you went a bit parallel-happy too (don't worry, I do that myself) by using equity so many times. It felt like you were trying to push the word limit of your essay at parts.
Society today is radically different than it was even a half century ago. Communities are getting more and more diverse with people from all different races, ethnicities and cultures. Equity in communities is crucial for ensuring a stable, and prosperous global 21st century society.
You can tighten up the prose a bit more, be less verbose and all. Try adding imagery to it? People from China, Israel, and India gather for dinner together. Always remember to show and not tell.
Hope this helped!