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Posts by wizardA
Name: Aizada Aimakhanova
Joined: Jan 24, 2020
Last Post: Jan 24, 2020
Threads: 1
Posts: 1  
From: Казахстан
School: Nazarbayev Intellectual School

Displayed posts: 2
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wizardA   
Jan 24, 2020
Scholarship / Essay on Presidential LEEP scholarship at Clark University [2]

the Kingdom of Biology



I always wanted to be knighted in the Kingdom of Biology. My first journey into science of life began from my attempts of baking. When I swirled around my grandmother in hopes to get dough from baursak, her face would fill with warm smile and explain importance of every ingredient. After knowing that sugar and warm water is for better growth, hence, better puffyness of dough was thrilling for me. . Also, we had a garden full of flowers and fruit trees. I grew seeing how my grandfather crossbreed apple and pear or when he would make compost for better growth of flowers. It was my first biology classes, where I learned basics of genetics. My passion for this subject did not stop there. When I was seven, I received my mini doctor kit. It contained my syringe and even EСG! I was exited about it. At that moment I would only make surgery on my toys but I already knew that someday I will be a real doctor.

My passion for biology grew like dough in warm place. During middle school we started a new chapter of human biology. Super computer that works without rest was the main focus. However, when I was learning about brain and synapses, my grandfather was diagnosed with Parkinson disease.

As time passed simple acts of walking were tough. Watching how his hands refuses obey him while he is trying his best to water plants or how always smiling face turned into emotionless was heartbreaking. Even worse is that there is no cure for it. Also, we could not afford medications nor surgery that he needed. After experiencing it I took rigorous courses and made my research; it reinforced the subject as my future calling. Helping people, families who face such problems is what I was born for.

One of the powerful classes was about brain functioning. I discovered that specific proteins accumulate in the brain and can cause Parkinson. But also I discovered that I know only the microscopical part of biology and it was when I finally decided my future.

With a degree in pre-medicine and biology, I will gain strong skills and important knowledge about geriatrics and brain science. I intend to become a neuroscientist, specializing in neurodegenerative diseases. I hope that I will work with elders and with brain abnormalities to find a cure for such diseases. Because When this kind of disease occurs it is not painful only for a patient but also to close friends and family. Being unable to help and watching how a person is fading away is painful. This is exactly why I keep digging into biology. I want to try my best to prevent it.
wizardA   
Jan 24, 2020
Writing Feedback / Animal products no longer needed? [4]

In my point of view your essay was strong and you provided a lot of arguments without writing off-topic, which is always good. However, it seems like your essay was a little bit wordy and some sentences were hard to read.

Things that I like in your essay:
1.Strong and defined arguments
2.Well structured essay
3.Usage of advanced vocabulary
4.Few grammatical errors
5.Usage of different complex structures
I rewrote your essay: (it was just few mistakes)
deleted - no changes has been made

Good luck on your test. I am sure that you will get an amazing score!
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