Basker
Oct 16, 2009
Undergraduate / common app essay- first topic- "The Palpitation" [2]
I am a rookie here. I am from China, so the essay is somewhat "Chinglish". Both positive and negative comments will be much appreciated! I struggle with this essay because of the topic. Is it too bleak? Is it fit for a college application essay?
Thank you !
My heart started palpitating in the evening. At first it was mild and intermittent, about one tremble every ten minutes. About the time I went to bed, the palpitation exasperated, becoming continuous and violent. Lying down, I endeavored to tranquilize myself, in the hope that the palpitation would ebb itself.
However, it did not show any sign of alleviation; it went even more frenzied. My heart vibrated drastically with every beat, and the amplitude was so large that I was afraid the veins in my heart were too brittle to resist the tension. I stared at the red electronic number on the clock. 1:38...2:46... They were staring at me too, like wicked eyes, blinking and glittering. I clenched to the quilt, wrapped it tighter around me to gather some temperature.
Time was lengthened by darkness, aimlessly wandered around in the void static air. Every breath I took was heavy and clear; it became the most reliable source from which I could grasp a sense of time, for the very sign of life served as a more pertinent indication than did a lifeless electronic clock. I listened to the periodic sound, reticently, waiting.
For thousands of times have I been waiting: at parking lots for someone to pick me up, in a café for my friends to come, or in the test room for the SAT to begin...but neither of them was as formidable as this one. My heart shuddered, contracted and stretched, together with all veins connecting it, and if one tremble stroke too violently, my heart would very likely break down in a split second. But I couldn't help. The darkness besieged me, absorbing me into its deepness. I have been in the darkness for so long that my evocations of light even became blurry and intangible. Did it shine at the faraway horizon which can be only reached by my eyes and dreams? Did it emit dazzling golden beams which oriented me when I was lost in the mist? I found myself unable to answer, as the darkness pushed, squeezed and suffocated me from all directions. The ultimate fear finally captured me. The darkness was eating into not only me, but also my bright reminisces and dreams. I hoped restlessly for light to arrive, for the first beam of sunshine to fall onto my bed, to enlighten my face, to regain me the delicate world which I treasured deeply in my heart.
But firstly I had to survive. I had to survive the palpitation, the darkness, the tribulations of life which are desperate to seize, debilitate and dishearten me. At this moment I felt the urgency Rosa Parks felt when she refused to give up her seat to a white passenger, I felt the urgency the Tiananmen Tankman felt when the tank was driving towards him. We are all as feeble as reeds-- an anonymous palpitation can easily intimidate us by death, a callous law can easily throw us into jail, a pair of cold tank caterpillars can easily grind us into pieces, but love, believe, and hope-- the true, the good, and the beautiful lead us through, bolster us, strengthen us, and it is how men are able to move up in the fiercest rolling billow, to unyieldingly raise their heads, and show the greatest dignity against all menace.
It was the longest night ever. But the more vehement the palpitation was, the more I felt like a cavalier, who demonstrated the highest honor, nobility and courage of men despite of the vulnerable nature. However luridly had the darkness blustered, as the morning light was approaching, it couldn't escape ending up in an abject demise. In the darkness I was waiting; I knew Godot was on his way.
The light finally arrived. It dissipated the darkness, and bathed the world in golden rays. My heart was still palpitating, but on the way to the hospital, I felt safe and placid.
I am a rookie here. I am from China, so the essay is somewhat "Chinglish". Both positive and negative comments will be much appreciated! I struggle with this essay because of the topic. Is it too bleak? Is it fit for a college application essay?
Thank you !
My heart started palpitating in the evening. At first it was mild and intermittent, about one tremble every ten minutes. About the time I went to bed, the palpitation exasperated, becoming continuous and violent. Lying down, I endeavored to tranquilize myself, in the hope that the palpitation would ebb itself.
However, it did not show any sign of alleviation; it went even more frenzied. My heart vibrated drastically with every beat, and the amplitude was so large that I was afraid the veins in my heart were too brittle to resist the tension. I stared at the red electronic number on the clock. 1:38...2:46... They were staring at me too, like wicked eyes, blinking and glittering. I clenched to the quilt, wrapped it tighter around me to gather some temperature.
Time was lengthened by darkness, aimlessly wandered around in the void static air. Every breath I took was heavy and clear; it became the most reliable source from which I could grasp a sense of time, for the very sign of life served as a more pertinent indication than did a lifeless electronic clock. I listened to the periodic sound, reticently, waiting.
For thousands of times have I been waiting: at parking lots for someone to pick me up, in a café for my friends to come, or in the test room for the SAT to begin...but neither of them was as formidable as this one. My heart shuddered, contracted and stretched, together with all veins connecting it, and if one tremble stroke too violently, my heart would very likely break down in a split second. But I couldn't help. The darkness besieged me, absorbing me into its deepness. I have been in the darkness for so long that my evocations of light even became blurry and intangible. Did it shine at the faraway horizon which can be only reached by my eyes and dreams? Did it emit dazzling golden beams which oriented me when I was lost in the mist? I found myself unable to answer, as the darkness pushed, squeezed and suffocated me from all directions. The ultimate fear finally captured me. The darkness was eating into not only me, but also my bright reminisces and dreams. I hoped restlessly for light to arrive, for the first beam of sunshine to fall onto my bed, to enlighten my face, to regain me the delicate world which I treasured deeply in my heart.
But firstly I had to survive. I had to survive the palpitation, the darkness, the tribulations of life which are desperate to seize, debilitate and dishearten me. At this moment I felt the urgency Rosa Parks felt when she refused to give up her seat to a white passenger, I felt the urgency the Tiananmen Tankman felt when the tank was driving towards him. We are all as feeble as reeds-- an anonymous palpitation can easily intimidate us by death, a callous law can easily throw us into jail, a pair of cold tank caterpillars can easily grind us into pieces, but love, believe, and hope-- the true, the good, and the beautiful lead us through, bolster us, strengthen us, and it is how men are able to move up in the fiercest rolling billow, to unyieldingly raise their heads, and show the greatest dignity against all menace.
It was the longest night ever. But the more vehement the palpitation was, the more I felt like a cavalier, who demonstrated the highest honor, nobility and courage of men despite of the vulnerable nature. However luridly had the darkness blustered, as the morning light was approaching, it couldn't escape ending up in an abject demise. In the darkness I was waiting; I knew Godot was on his way.
The light finally arrived. It dissipated the darkness, and bathed the world in golden rays. My heart was still palpitating, but on the way to the hospital, I felt safe and placid.