Writing Feedback / writing task 2 - Should students work during high school years? [3]

@hailinh_nguyen
professions plays
For a variety of reasons -- bro it is better to mention this expression in the first paragraph
due to the pampering of their parents, no need for comma
I aware ... and going to school, I am aware of difference between work and education
... students should be facilitate --- not facilitate---- students should be alowed or have the opportunity of working

Undergraduate / Nigeria - Educational resources and opportunities - My personal essay for common application [3]

Dear @Reinabel
in the beginning you mentiond your father as a block or dam in your way, so I think it is not neccessary to mention his death in the last paragraph it makes a contradiction.

wholly you have written about your difficulties and problems in your life, it is more like a story or novel, you should also talk about your achievements and education career, how you came up with these difficulties? it is an achievement,

but your education is the most important part of your essay, say something about your role at school and your grades, if you have good GPA

there is no compassion Reinable, in the evaluation committee, no breaking of roles,
so if the SAT score or TOEFL is neccessary they never break the role because of you, so you should also offer these requirments, hence don's say about your weaknesses in this way.

Don't say about your failed trys for scholarships, at all try to mention difficulties and your intercations with them.